Fei Lin: The husband and wife quarrel constantly, behind which is the "call for love"

Experts in this issue: Fei Lin, Director of Guangzhou Heartball Psychological Counseling Center

　　 (PS: This case has been authorized by the party concerned in writing, and his personal information has been processed technically)

There are a thousand kinds of people and different attitudes in the world. Everyone has different personalities, values, and thinking patterns, and the way couples get along with each other will also be different. A hundred couples have one hundred ways to get along with each other. The reason why husband and wife are married is because of love at first, and then love increases or decreases in getting along, but love does not allow, and then there is hatred and resentment.

Mr. Chen and his wife have been married for more than ten years. They have a big quarrel over traveling during the National Day holiday. They feel wronged in their hearts.

The husband and wife had already discussed with the wife's relatives early in the morning that they would go to other places with the wife's family during the holiday. However, the wife's unit suddenly sent a notice saying that they were not allowed to go out during the holiday, and the wife forwarded the notice to the husband. Mr. Chen thought that since his wife could not travel far, he had to cancel the original plan and arranged to go to another place with several friends.

The day before the holiday, Mrs. Chen learned that the unit's notice was not an absolute ban on going out, so she was happy to inform her husband. Mr. Chen felt embarrassed when he heard that the situation had changed again. He said that since he had promised his friends, it was inconvenient to change. The wife was a little disappointed. She said that if she cancelled the agreement with her relatives temporarily, it would be very unpleasant and affect the relationship between the two families. What should I do with my husband? The gentleman felt that he was being questioned and began to get angry. "Isn't it all because of your company's notice?!"

The wife was also very unhappy, and said: "The notice I showed you before didn't clearly say that you can't go outside. It's your wrong understanding that has caused the current consequences!" The more you listen to it, the more angry you become. How can you become yourself? "Just don't go anywhere!" The more they quarreled, the more stiff they became, and even started to move.

　　 Analysis: understand how conflicts escalate

It was learned from the consultation that the quarrel between Mr. and Mrs. Chen was actually a normal pattern of getting along with each other. In the eyes of others, it seemed that things could be solved through communication and negotiation. However, when they came to them, they gradually intensified the conflict, leading to a big quarrel.

Let's first analyze why my wife directly forwarded the vacation notice of the unit to my husband. When she just received the notice, the wife was not sure whether she could go out, so she sent the notice to the husband, hoping that the husband could make up his mind. Behind his behavior is that he wants the other party to bear all the responsibilities. If something goes wrong, it is the other party's fault. In addition, when the husband plans to go out with friends alone, the wife is actually very uncomfortable. She hopes that the husband can accompany her more and avoid staying at home alone and being troubled by loneliness, emptiness, fear and helplessness, but she is embarrassed to speak up. When she found that the unit allowed her to go out, the wife was very happy, and at the same time, she was afraid of being denied and ignored, so she did not dare to say it clearly. She longed for her husband to understand and follow her wishes and change her mind.

Faced with the change of his wife, the husband was upset and could not agree. The wife felt rejected and denied, and continued to exert pressure step by step, which would lead to the consequences of relatives' purchase of tickets, discord between family members, and misunderstanding of the unit's notice to the husband, and said that she did not agree with the husband to go out alone with friends at the beginning... All kinds of objection reasons were constantly raised, It becomes "All the mistakes are yours. It's your selfishness and incompetence that cause the dilemma. I have no responsibility at all."

At this time, the gentleman became more and more angry. He felt that he was wronged and wrong in everything he did. He felt that he was being pushed around and totally disrespected, so he was very angry and became more and more out of control.

　　 Interpretation: Behind the quarrel is "the call of love"

Through understanding the growth background of both parties in the consultation, we can better understand why couples interact in this mode.

Mr. Chen is the eldest in his family. He was smart but naughty when he was young. He was often scolded and beaten by his father for no reason. This feeling of being wronged and unjustified made him feel very uncomfortable and rejected. When he was "unfairly treated" in the future, when others always let him take responsibility, it would be particularly easy to stimulate his defense. When he was a child, he was wronged The experience of being punished will reappear, so "hysterical" anger will erupt.

Mrs. Chen is the fourth. Her three elder sisters and one younger brother are often neglected and unpopular at home. The wife has done extremely well and almost perfectly in front of others since childhood. She is a good girl in the eyes of her parents, and a good child in the eyes of her relatives and friends, by which she gets love and praise; Although she was dissatisfied with her parents in her heart, she especially cared about the views of her parents and relatives, and always tried to be more generous and polite than her sisters. But in the relationship with her husband, there are often some very low-level problems, such as lateness, procrastination, and other small problems. Like a young child, she will do some uncomfortable things to attract attention and test the other party's "Do you really love me?" Moreover, she likes to rely on her husband, shift problems and responsibilities to the other party, and maintain her own perfection, At the same time, they often attract attention by provoking the other party, and constantly test whether the other party can tolerate and love themselves indefinitely. These subconscious behaviors often make people around you unknowingly troubled by various pressures and constantly provoked until they can't control their anger. At this time, the husband becomes a "violent person" with changeable emotions, while the wife is a "good person without fault" and a "poor victim".

There is no absolute right or wrong in this event. Both husband and wife hope to get the understanding and understanding of each other, and hope to feel loved and valued. The quarrel between the two people expresses a strong need for attention and a "call for love". As for the so-called "seeing is love", if the husband can see her vulnerability, loneliness and dependence from his wife's words and deeds, understand her desire to be loved and valued, and if the wife can see clearly that the husband is afraid of being wronged, and understand his desire to be treated fairly and fully respected, their communication methods will change, and they will not quarrel.

　　 Postscript: Only by improving psychological maturity can a good marriage relationship be achieved

Because the two people have formed a relatively inherent attachment mode in their long-term marriage life, on the one hand, they hate quarrels and want to improve, on the other hand, they continue to use the original interaction mode in this "sadistic masochistic" relationship with "pain and happiness". When they see the nature of the relationship more clearly and realize their own problems, they all hope to adjust themselves through psychological growth, change the way of getting along in intimate relationships, and improve the quality of marriage.

After a period of more in-depth psychoanalytic psychological consultation, the two began to explore and understand their subconsciousness, see the immature "child" calling for love in their hearts, and constantly practice to detect their emotions, timely interpret each other's hearts, see each other's needs, understand each other and communicate effectively before each fuse "explodes". Therefore, when two people have conflicts, they can better control their emotions, and the frequency of quarrels is greatly reduced. Physical conflicts basically do not happen again, and it is easy to make up afterwards. Watching the progress of their husband and wife, the warming of their feelings, and the more beautiful marriage life, I am sincerely happy for them!