Partner magazine: How can divorce not hurt children?

　　 Media: The 466th issue of Companion magazine in March 2018 P30 Marriage Consulting Room

Experts in this issue: Li Jianxue, chief expert of Guangzhou Heartball Psychological Consultation Center, senior marriage counselor, and senior family education instructor.

　　 Yangzi Consulting:

My husband has been cheating for five years and has not returned home for a long time. He doesn't care about the family affairs and doesn't give much money to the family. Usually, he can only rely on his daughter to maintain communication. He doesn't reply to my phone number or WeChat. He comes back once a month or two and only takes his daughter out to eat. Even at home, we sleep in separate rooms. It is difficult to communicate calmly, either not talking or quarrelling.

As for his external affairs, I don't want to take care of them or ask them again. My heart is very tired, and I feel haggard after years of trouble. My friend advised me not to procrastinate any more. After all, I was only in my thirties. While I still had time, I left to find another good one. Sometimes I also want to divorce. I work so hard to keep it. I don't know when it will end. It's the same whether I have him or not in the family.

But my daughter is only ten years old. She likes her father very much and doesn't want us to divorce. She also advised me not to quarrel with my father so that my father would stay at home. Hey, children may be so naive! For so many years, I have been hiding her father's affairs from her, afraid that she could not accept it, so she always felt that her father was very good and poor.

I really want to change my life and start again, but if I divorce, I really don't know how to tell my children, what should I do?

　　 Teacher Li Jianxue's answer:

When marriage is in tatters and exists in name only, it is a dilemma for many couples to choose to separate from each other or maintain a complete family for their children.

It is impossible for divorce not to affect children, but if handled properly, the impact can be minimized. The impact of divorce on children is not caused by divorce itself, but by improper communication, interaction and relationship with children. Therefore, choosing the right way to interact with children before and after divorce is the most effective way to reduce their harm.

Before divorce, neither husband nor wife should ask for the children's opinions, let alone dump your grudges on the children, and let the children not be involved in your rights and wrongs, because no matter whether the children express support or opposition, or whether the parents finally divorce or not, the children may think that his decision led to the unhappiness of the parents.

Parents need to help their children clarify their responsibilities and calmly and clearly tell their children that divorce is due to problems between their parents and has nothing to do with them. After divorce, his parents did not live together, but they still loved him; He is no less than others, on the contrary, he has a home more than others - father's home, mother's home.

After divorce, if parents try not to change their children's learning and living environment, their love for their children, or even their love for their children in the patriarchal and matrilineal families; Both parties and their families do not slander and attack each other in front of children, but respect and affirm each other; Both parties should accompany their children more and participate in parent-child activities to help reduce their impact.

Some parents choose not to tell their children the truth of divorce, and even pretend to live together, hoping that this can avoid hurting their children, but will instead increase the harm to their children. With the child's sensitivity, such deception will be seen through. Just imagine that in the child's childish life, his own parents cheat him. Who will he trust in the future?

Parents' remarriage has more advantages than disadvantages for children. The important thing is that no matter which party remarries, both parties should tell the child that he has another person to love him, so that the child can learn to accept the stepparents and help him gradually adapt to the new family.

Divorce is a wounding thing, but we can reduce the harm to all parties. Children have strong adaptability. As long as we are parents with more love, more care and more patience, we can minimize the harm of divorce to children.