Companion magazine: Should we get married?

Media: The 467th issue of Companion magazine in April 2018 P31 Marriage Consulting Room

Experts in this issue: Tan Suyi, senior psychological consultant of Guangzhou Heartball Psychological Counseling Center, national second-class psychological consultant.

　　 Miss T:

I am 27 years old. I met my current boyfriend two years ago. I have been in love for one and a half years and have lived together for one year. At first, I didn't like him. He was not the type I wanted. But as a fellow townsman, he always took care of me, so we often went out to play, and slowly got together and lived together.

At the beginning of last year, his mother urged us to get married, but at that time, we didn't agree because we didn't think we had enough time to get along. Later we lived together. Now he's talking about getting married again. He wants to get married, but I'm always hesitant. He is honest, treats people sincerely, has no tricks, and has no psychological burden with him. However, he is not my type.

His parents bought a house in their hometown and wrote his name. He wants to go back to his hometown, but I don't want to leave Guangzhou, give up my current job, and dislike that strange city. We have been making a lot of noise for a long time, so we have been locked in a stalemate.

I really don't want to get married, but I also don't want to break up. What should we do?

　　 Miss Tan Suyi answer:

Everyone doesn't want to make the wrong choice when choosing his or her lifelong partner. Everyone wants to have a happy marriage and a happy family. However, everyone's pursuit and needs are different.

Marriage is like two people running a business together. It takes their own effort and time. If you want to make a long-term profit of this business, you need to make a good investigation in the early stage. If you want to find and have a lifelong partner, the following questions can help you evaluate whether you are suitable for marriage.

　 1、 Do you have a common life goal?

If you get married, you will live together for 20, 30, 40 years or more. How do you plan to spend these days? Eat together, watch movies together? Raising children and caring for the elderly together? Work together, travel together? These are not enough. You must share something deeper and more meaningful with TA. You must have a common life goal, and then work together.

　　 2、 Are you willing to share your inner thoughts and feelings with TA?

Trust is the basis of communication, and communication is a necessary way of interpersonal communication. If you express your inner thoughts and feelings to your partner, you will be criticized, criticized, complained or laughed at. You may need more time to build trust and consider entering into marriage; Or, you think that TA doesn't understand you very well and is unwilling to communicate with the other party in depth; Maybe you can't trust every member of the opposite sex. You can seek professional psychological counseling for personal growth.

　　 3、 Is TA a person willing to grow?

There are two kinds of people in this world: one is committed to continuous growth, and the other is hedonistic. When one person continues to grow, the other person is unwilling to grow or the growth rate is relatively slow, which will lead to difficulties in synchronization between husband and wife. If two people are not at the same level, the relationship between the two parties is prone to cracks. When you choose a person who can walk with you to the red carpet, you need to consider whether TA can seriously improve himself?

　　 4、 How does TA treat others?

There is a saying: a man's attitude towards waiters will be his attitude towards you after marriage. What is his situation with those who have nothing to do with him? For example, waiters, bus drivers, etc. What is his attitude towards those who unintentionally offend him? Is it haggling, tit for tat, or forgiveness? How does he treat his parents and siblings? Does he know how to be grateful? If he is not grateful to the person who gave his life and everything, don't expect him to be grateful to you. Does he have the ability to make people happy?

I believe that after considering these issues, you will better understand whether your current partner is suitable for you. Many people also hope to "change" their spouse after marriage. But once you enter the marriage with the idea of changing the other party, you will find that marriage has become a battlefield rather than a gentle harbor for two people to grow together. If you can't fully accept what TA is like now, it will be even more difficult for you to accept after marriage.