Companion magazine: Why do I always feel inferior in the face of love?

Media: The 469th issue of Companion magazine in June 2018 P30 Marriage Consulting Room

Experts in this issue: Tan Suyi, senior psychological consultant of Guangzhou Heartball Psychological Counseling Center, national second-class psychological consultant.

　　 Xiaorou asks:

Hello, teacher! In another month, I will be 28 years old. I am now the "leftover girl" in the eyes of my parents.

In the eyes of others, I have always been a gentle, kind-hearted, modest and kind beautiful girl, with good popularity, a bachelor's degree, and a good job. They all envy my life.

I also feel good about myself. Before I was 24 years old, I didn't rush to find a boyfriend. I always wanted to find a boyfriend when my work was more stable and I was better.

However, after two or three years, I still haven't found my boyfriend. Not that I haven't met the person I like for so many years, but whenever I meet a man who likes me a little, I feel I don't deserve him after meeting him for two or three times. I feel how good the other person is and how bad I am. I don't think I'm good-looking, too short, and uncoordinated. I just think I'm not good at cooking, gentle, and lady. Anyway, I can always find many reasons to look down on myself, and sometimes I even feel that I am nothing.

In short, over the years, no matter who others chase or who they like, they dare not further develop, and always want to wait until they become better. Now, the growth of age has made me more inferiority and anxiety, and I am afraid that if I continue like this, I will be completely "left". On the other hand, I'm also confused. I'm actually pretty good, but why do I always feel inferior when facing people I like?

　　 Tan Suyi Resolution:

If the other party is too good and the gap between them is too large, the sense of inferiority is understandable; However, if you have good conditions and are not far away from the other party, you always deny yourself when facing love, and you are afraid of your own imperfection and choose to shrink back, you need to find out why.

When you meet someone you like, you feel inferior, which reflects a person's lack of inner security and low sense of self-worth. People with low sense of self-worth often lack self-confidence. The more important things they attach, the more they dare not face them. They always feel that they are not good enough when facing decisions. The essence of lack of confidence will be exposed once we meet the real need to make a choice.

Getting used to self denial is actually a psychological mechanism of self-protection. Only when you deny yourself first can you form a buffer zone in your heart to face pain. When others question and deny, you will be prepared mentally to avoid suffering; If others do not deny, but accept and affirm themselves, she will be flattered or instinctively suspect. This defense mechanism may be caused by long-term external pressure and negation in the growth process.

A person with inferiority complex may have an imaginary perfect self in his heart. "She" may be beautiful and sexy, able to go to the hall and get out of the kitchen... She will compare the real self with the ideal self, and think that only such "she" can control love, while the real self can only be ashamed of itself.

For you, love is like a beautiful but fragile crystal, and also like a dangerous monster. If you don't think you have enough ability and charm, simply don't touch it.

What causes your self denial? When a person grows up, the people around him, especially his parents, are his own mirror. What he sees in the mirror will form his own cognition. If you don't feel your parents like you, you will feel unlovable; If your parents often deny and criticize yourself, you will also criticize and deny yourself, and you will think that you are really bad.

In fact, you are not really poor. Even many children with similar experiences are better at self-improvement and pursuit of superiority, but surpass their peers in some aspects. This "transcendence" can be seen by others, but you may not be able to see or admit it yourself. Only when you truly know yourself from the heart, see your advantages and strengths, and accept the overall self, can you build self-confidence. When a person's internal evaluation changes, his/her behavior, thinking mode and life will also change accordingly.

True confidence is not due to having certain resources, but to accepting ordinary oneself, including their own strengths and weaknesses. Beauty, talent, wealth and social recognition can bring confidence to a certain extent, but this confidence is conditional. It is not unconditional and unshakable to really love and recognize yourself from the heart. Even if you are not so excellent, you can also treat yourself objectively and accept yourself, and you will no longer feel ashamed and timid in love.