Family psychological consultation: The wife is too polite to her parents in law and is very unfamiliar. What should I do?

The Chinese New Year is coming, and the couple will inevitably get together with their parents in law and parents in law. If the family relationship is harmonious, the New Year will be a happy gathering; If there are some contradictions in the family relationship, the young couple may be polite on the surface, but they will inevitably be reluctant on the inside. Mr. Ke has encountered such troubles recently.

　　 Mr. Ke:

I am the only child in my family. My parents are old. They began to ask me for advice on many things. I feel more and more like the pillar of my family. This Spring Festival, our parents hope that we can stay at home for a few more days. I really want to.

However, I am worried that my wife has something in mind. She is very independent. She has her own ideas since childhood and is not used to relying on others. Maybe this is what I like about her. Although she doesn't have any major contradiction with my parents, she feels not close and polite. Even if my parents treat her well, she is still a little cold.

Moreover, many times, I think she imposes her ideas too much on others, especially her parents, who often quarrel with her. I think parents are old, so some things don't need to be true. Let them be happy. She always refuses to listen. She is afraid that she will be angry if she tells her about going back for the Spring Festival.

　　 Mrs. Ke:

I don't have a problem with his parents. I also hope to get along well with them. Their family is very close, and their parents in law are very kind to us, urging us to have children. They also said that they had all the children before they were three years old. I think a lot of things are our young people's own, children's things, we can work hard, don't want to trouble them.

But he always felt that I was too polite and cold at his home. Every time he said that, I was very aggrieved and angry. I just wasn't used to letting my mother-in-law do so many things for me.

My parents have always been very busy and strict with me and my sister, so we do a lot of things ourselves. They won't interfere in life events such as school, love and marriage, and we don't let them worry too much. Maybe everyone has their own ideas. Sometimes I will quarrel with my parents and respect their ideas afterwards.

Our parents are totally different. My father-in-law is more assertive. My mother-in-law is dedicated to home. She came to my house not to help clean up, but to knit a sweater and buy some supplements for me. I was very moved but didn't know how to refuse. Can I tell her that I think it would be good if the house was a little messy? I buy a lot of sweaters every year. Don't you need her to knit them by hand? I'm in good health. Don't you like those supplements?

He always felt that I was reluctant to accept his parents' kindness to me and always educated me, which made me very bored. People are different from each other. Why can't everyone respect each other?

　　 Guangzhou Heartball Psychological Consultation Interpretation:

The sense of distance from others is an inner need. Some people want to be close, while others like to be loose. Mr. Ke and his wife have very different family backgrounds, and the internal intimate model of the original family is very different, which is also the reason for the conflict between the two.

China emphasizes human society and subconsciously has a strong demand for family ties. From the perspective of psychological differentiation theory, Mr. Ke's family differentiation is lower than that of his wife. He is closely connected with his family, has a soft personality, and has relatively strong interpersonal skills. Most Chinese families are in this state.

Any intimate relationship is like the two sides of a coin. It has a sense of intimacy and integration. While loving, there will also be deprivation, compulsion and restriction. In such a family, because everyone needs to be close and consistent, they either pretend not to know and suppress their internal differences, or they are really unconscious and suppressed.

Mr. Ke hopes that his wife can be closer and more enthusiastic in front of his parents, and he hopes that his wife can also integrate with his native family. His motivation is good, but it increases the pressure on his wife.

In Mrs. Ke's native family, she accepted independence and difference, and was not afraid of differences and contradictions, so there would be less restrictions. The internal intimate mode of this family is to maintain differences and distance. The unpleasant quarrel and anger between Mrs. Ke and her parents is a need within the family. Only aggressive communication can break through the reserved distance between them.

Mrs. Ke's politeness to her parents in law seems to be a sense of psychological defense and insecurity. In fact, more deeply, it should be a matter of intimate distance. She needs to maintain an appropriate intimate distance and personality space with people.

　　 Perhaps for the family conflict at this stage, Mr. and Mrs. Ke need to carefully consider the following points:

1. If Mrs. Ke accepts Mr. Ke's suggestion and wants to change her relationship with her parents in law and become closer to each other, she needs to be deeply aware of her own growth.

The construction of any intimate model has a significant relationship with the relationship between each person as a child and their caregivers (especially mothers). When an individual becomes an adult, he or she will unconsciously look for the traces of childhood and repeat the intimate relationship model of childhood. However, people can grow, our intimacy ability can be developed, and we can choose more intimacy modes.

2. Mr. Ke may need to realize that if a wife highly identifies with and integrates with her parents, she will risk losing herself, her personality and spirit.

As Mr. Ke himself said, "Maybe this is also what I like about her." It is precisely because Mrs. Ke's independent personality and behavior are very different from the relationship model Mr. Ke is accustomed to, so she is attracted to her and falls in love with her free. After all, difference is the origin of love. If we seek too much common ground, we will inevitably take the risk of losing the power of love.

3. Boundaries in the family are needed.

Mother in law is good to her daughter-in-law, but she wants to be good to her son; The daughter-in-law is polite to her mother-in-law, which is a kind of respect and distance from the younger generation to the elder. If they "invade" each other too much, which makes the boundaries blurred, it is not a good experience for each other, and finally, it will inevitably cause some friction and conflict.

However, the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law has always been the core of family conflict in Eastern culture, and the son is often the hub for the formation of conflict. The best way is to ally with both sides. Say to her mother: "Thank you for taking care of my wife!" Say to her: "Thank you for taking care of my mother!" Let both sides benefit, and the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law will naturally be more harmonious.

4. When parents get old, their relationship with us also changes.

When parents are old, the elderly are psychologically and emotionally vulnerable, and sometimes need the children's timely recognition. To make them feel important, at least in the eyes of their children, they can still support their children like they used to be. In his heart, Mr. Ke has realized that there have also been changes in his relationship with his parents.

Mrs. Ke seems not to be ready for this, although it may be due to the internal intimate model of the family. Because early parents have more investment in their careers and less demand for their families, the psychological gap and sense of loss caused by retirement may need more value compensation from their children. If Mrs. Ke can give more care and care to her parents than before, and give positive feedback and recognition to her parents' efforts, she can help them get through this period more smoothly. As the son-in-law, Mr. Ke is also an indispensable role. If he is willing to help his wife, he can also make the whole family more harmonious.