Companion magazine: Why can't we get happiness when we sacrifice and pay for love

Media: Companion Magazine, April 2019, Issue 479 P27, Marriage Consulting Room

Experts in this issue: Hear it, counselor Li Xiuxin of Psychological Consultation Center

Mr. Cai Consultation:

I am a college teacher, and I am over 30 years old. I haven't met anyone who is interested in me in the past two years. When I was about to give up, the instructor Cheng Jia (a pseudonym) broke into my life. Different from others, she is not only lively and cheerful, but also has ideals and curiosity about things, which deeply attracted me to approach her, and soon we will be together naturally.

I am several years older than Cheng Jia and have more work experience, so I take care of her in life and work. Not only guide her work, but also try to meet her various needs. When I learned that she wanted to work while taking the postgraduate entrance examination, I helped her find a school, find materials, and make up for lessons. Even if my work was delayed, I didn't mind. Through our joint efforts, Cheng Jia was admitted to a graduate student of Linshi University in only one year.

This is a happy thing, but it has brought new problems to our relationship. We had agreed that even if we were in a long-distance relationship, we would manage this relationship well and meet every week. However, she has a heavy workload and only has time to return on holidays, so I usually drive for several hours to see her.

But over time, Cheng Jia's attitude towards me gradually became indifferent. From the beginning of missing me and wanting to see me, he became cold, busy and had no time later. Even so, I still silently supported her behind her back. But in the end, she broke up with her heart.

I paid so much for her, but she said that it was because I was too kind to her and had a lot of pressure. Breaking up made her feel relaxed and relieved. I can't understand. I'm helpless even if I'm unwilling. Why did I pay so much for such a result?

Teacher Li Xiuxin answers:

After many people are separated, you will be confused and unwilling: Why did I pay so much, but TA left me?

In love, some people pursue "balance of power", some people want to rely on and be taken care of, and some people enjoy taking care of each other... Everyone has different needs for love, which will be adjusted over time. At the beginning, they will meet some internal needs. When they gradually stop matching, they will start to want to separate. This outcome is not because you are not good enough, but the two sides are no longer suitable.

Love has always been praised by people because of its selflessness and no return. But those great love stories tell us that such love needs an important condition - mutual happiness.

From your narration, I can feel that you love your girlfriend very much, and you have paid a lot for her, spent a lot of time, thought, and even sacrificed working time. But is this sacrifice really needed by the other party?

Overpaid love is heavy, which makes the other party feel guilty and unrequited, resulting in great psychological pressure, and finally wants to escape and reject this love.

A person often habitually gives too much in the relationship. At the beginning, the other person may enjoy and appreciate this kind of giving, but over time, you will feel that you are more "self satisfied" by doing so, unable to see the real needs of the other person. Even if you can't express it clearly, you can't help running away and alienating you.

Therefore, the more you give in a relationship, the more stable your relationship will be. Pay appropriately, keep yourself, be aware of your real needs and communicate with each other in a timely manner, and care about each other's real needs, so that the relationship can be more lasting and harmonious.