Companion magazine: Marriage is becoming more and more boring, and I can't feel any happiness

Media: The 481 issue of Companion magazine in June 2019 P29 Marriage Consulting Room

Experts in this issue: Tan Suyi, senior psychological consultant of Guangzhou Heartball Psychological Counseling Center, national second-class psychological consultant.

Ms. Lin's consultation:

My husband and I have been married for more than 10 years. At middle age, I feel more and more disappointed in the marriage. I feel very boring. Sometimes I really don't know who to tell about this depression!

When I was in love, I married him with ordinary appearance and general family background, regardless of family opposition. However, looking back on so many years of marriage, I feel very tired. My husband is a workaholic. He has devoted all his energy to his work, but his career is just so so. He is a boring and tasteless person. He either reads newspapers or watches TV at home. I have to work, take care of my daughter, and do housework again and again every day. I'm really tired.

My parents are also very dissatisfied with my husband. I feel uncomfortable in the middle. Both father and brother are people with strong living ability. They can handle all kinds of things very well. In contrast, their husband is too poor in their eyes. He is dull and doesn't know how to deal with people. For example, when his parents in law come home, he doesn't know how to greet the elderly.

I often complain to my husband and hope he can change. My husband always thinks I'm too picky and bad tempered, but he doesn't review himself. In such a marriage, I was very depressed and tired, and I was about to suffer from internal injuries. I tried to adjust myself to live and work happily, but sometimes I was really depressed. After more than 10 years, why didn't he make any progress.

I really want to cry without tears, and I already have the idea of divorce! However, divorce is not so easy, and divorce is not conducive to the growth of daughters. What should I do?

Tan Suyi answers:

1、 Accept your partner and improve your ability to perceive happiness

How do you view intimate relationships and your partner? Your present husband seems to be nothing to you. What was he like? What characteristics attracted you at the beginning? If your husband is so "miserable" all the time, what makes you choose this partner? If not, when did he start to change? What makes it change?

Psychology believes that the bad thing is not the thing itself, but our attitude towards things. When we always see more deficiencies in marriage, our hearts will easily be filled with dissatisfaction and complaints; If you are good at discovering the beauty of marriage and the shining point of your partner, you will feel happy.

The husband's career is ordinary, but he has persevered for many years and is earnest and practical; Life is less interesting, but honest, professional and reassuring... There is no perfect marriage, no perfect partner, everything has two sides, can it be more relieved from a different perspective? Always want to change others to obtain happiness, often increasing the disappointment of life. You can try to accept your lover completely from the outside to the inside, from the past to the present.

2、 We can't change our partners, but we can influence them

Many times, although we can't change our partner, we can try to adjust the interaction mode between you and your partner to have a positive impact on him.

When you need someone, how do you make a request? Command? invitation? Can the other party choose to accept or refuse without pressure?

When you are dissatisfied, how do you express and communicate with the other party? Blame, complain? Or confirm the good side of the other party in time to promote communication with him?

When you feel that marriage is boring, what efforts have you made to change it and keep it fresh? You can try to find interest and emotion in your ordinary life, or create some fun, use your vitality to infect people around you, drive your lover, and make your marriage life more exciting.