Companion magazine: Why did she change after being together

Media: The 481 issue of Companion magazine in June 2019 P30 Marriage Consulting Room

Experts in this issue: Xu Wenjiao, Guangzhou Heartball Psychologist, National Grade II Psychologist.

Xiaofei Consultation:

In the eyes of others, I am gentle, considerate, demure and have a good personality. When I first fell in love, my boyfriend also liked me because of my personality, and we got along very happily.

But after a few months together, I was always worried about the gains and losses. I often criticized and cried, feeling that he didn't understand me and didn't give me what I wanted; I feel that he doesn't understand me and doesn't care about me; I doubt his sincerity and blame him for not actively planning our future

If he explained, I would be more excited. He thinks that I am a person who has no sense of security, is difficult to coax, and likes to rake up old scores. My previous tenderness, loveliness, and understanding are all superficial.

I am also puzzled: it is "normal" when I am not in love, why can't I control my emotions when I am with my boyfriend? I also hate such myself. I often blame him. I think it is because he is not good enough that I am often emotional. Sometimes I want to break up, and I feel relieved and can be my former self again.

But after breaking up, I felt very sad, lonely and empty. I felt that my boyfriend was very good and I could improve myself. But it's still the same after the reunion. I don't know what's wrong with myself

Xu Wenjiao answers:

You seem to "regress" to infancy in love. Their own vulnerability (lack of security, sensitivity, etc.) and their own dark parts (control, aggression, etc.) are fully displayed in love. But outside the intimate relationship, this part is hidden. It also makes you feel like you have become a person in love, and some weak and bad parts of yourself are highlighted.

In fact, regression is a common phenomenon of empathy in intimate relationships. When we begin to attach ourselves to someone from the bottom of our hearts, the interaction with TA will often touch something deep in our hearts.

At this time, some pent up and unsatisfied early desires will be activated and eager to be compensated or repeated in the new intimate relationship. For example, when they were neglected by their parents in childhood, they may be particularly eager for their partners' care and attention in love; As a child, you need to constantly suppress your anger. When you are in love, you may have higher requirements for your partner to understand your emotions

In love, you want your boyfriend to understand his needs, understand his emotions, and put himself in a very important position in his heart (it is better to focus on himself). You accuse your boyfriend of not understanding yourself, giving you what you want and not thinking about your future. In fact, you accuse him of not loving you in the way you want, and also failing to make up for his regret when he was young.

Of course, it's not just you. Many people have experienced such a period of time in love: they are eager to be loved, cared for and cared for by the other party, unconsciously hope that the other party can pay attention to themselves, and hope that the other party can understand and tolerate themselves like an "ideal parent".

But different people have different levels of emotional needs, and the way of self adjustment after not being satisfied is also different. Some people have enough love in their hearts, which not only makes them more likely to feel love from their partners' every bit of behavior, but also makes them better able to interpret their partners' occasional neglect and conflicts between them in good faith; Some people need a lot of love in their heart. No matter how much their partner gives, they still feel empty and insufficient.

Some people whose needs are frustrated will reflect on whether their needs are reasonable, whether their expressions and timing are appropriate, and whether their partners have difficulties; Some people will vent their dissatisfaction, anger and grievances on their partners, thinking that the problem is that their partners do not love enough, that the other party is a relationship breaker, and that they seldom take the initiative to do appropriate words and deeds to promote the relationship.

For the confusion and pain in love, you might as well regard it as a process of knowing yourself, learning to love and be loved, so that you can gradually grow up and become mentally mature, so that you can carry out a love between adults.