Companion magazine: Pre marital anxiety: when the wedding is approaching, I will withdraw

Media: Companion Magazine, July 2019, Issue 482, P41, Marriage Consulting Room

Experts in this issue: Hear it, counselor Li Xiuxin of Psychological Consultation Center

Xiao Li:

My boyfriend and I have decided to hold a banquet at the end of the year. We plan to get the certificate next month, but I am still hesitant to start this marriage.

My boyfriend and I have been in love for four years since college. Although there have been ups and downs, he has always been good to me. Half a year ago, he proposed to me. I thought he was of marriageable age, and he was also good, so I agreed to him without much thought. But recently when I was preparing for the wedding, I had a lot of disagreements with my future parents in law on the wedding, which made me feel unhappy. I couldn't help thinking: This is always the case before marriage. What should I do in the future when my mother-in-law and daughter-in-law get along? But my boyfriend couldn't understand me at all. He always said, "It's OK. My parents are honest people and will treat you well. How can they bully you?". This makes me very cold. After marriage, he must not know how to balance the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. He always helps his parents. How can I live a good life?

But at this juncture, I have no way out. I can only suffer in silence and pretend to be happy to cooperate with them. It's really painful. What should I do when I am in a dilemma?

Interpretation of Li Xiuxin from Heartball Psychological Consultation Center:

Hello, Xiao Li! Many brides to be, like you, feel fear, anxiety and even withdrawal when their marriage is approaching, but they dare not withdraw under the pressure of reality. They are depressed, painful and in a dilemma, and do not know what to do. This is actually a symptom of "premarital anxiety".

Generally, the "susceptible population" of premarital anxiety can be divided into these categories:

1、 Some young people are mentally immature and lack a sense of responsibility. They are prone to anxiety when facing the responsibilities and obligations that need to be undertaken in marriage; 2、 Some young people who are deeply affected by the unfortunate marriage of their parents, relatives and friends may arouse their childhood shadow or trauma when their marriage is approaching, and fear and worry about their married life; 3、 Young people who advocate independence are likely to have some resistance and anxiety when facing the contradiction between marriage and individual freedom.

Although there are different types of people who have premarital anxiety, the anxiety and worry in their heart are almost all worried that they will not get a happy and harmonious marriage. Such worries and anxieties are not only related to the outside world, but also to their own internal causes.

From the content of your story, you are worried that the differences with your parents in law will affect the quality of future marriage life. If you obey your parents in law, you will feel wronged in your heart; Disobedience will lead to quarrels and conflicts and hurt feelings. You want to avoid such conflicts and hope that your boyfriend can assume the responsibility of solving problems, but his attitude does not satisfy you, instead, it deepens your anxiety about marriage life.

But just imagine, does this avoidance have anything to do with your own personality and your native family? Is it the way you always deal with conflict in your native family when you fear conflict and adopt avoidance coping style? Does this remind you that your ability and skills in dealing with family relations are insufficient, and you need to improve your learning opportunities? Most of the time, we feel anxious because our previous coping style does not work and has no effect. At this time, we need to find new methods.

Anxiety before marriage makes you worry and suffer, but it also sharpens you, makes you know yourself more deeply, and gives you the motivation to improve and grow, so that you can move towards a happier life.