Companion magazine: What should I do if my girlfriend forces me to buy a house?

Media: Companion Magazine October 2019 Issue 485 P48 Marriage Consulting Room

Experts in this issue: Hear it, counselor Li Xiuxin of Psychological Consultation Center

Xiaopan Consultation:

My girlfriend and I have been in love for 6 years, and our relationship is stable. We have reached the stage of marriage, but recently we have been in a cold war.

The reason is that I think I can buy a house after marriage, but my girlfriend insists on buying a house after marriage. Although she expressed her willingness to share the housing loan with me, considering that my family is not rich, my parents have retired, and my brother is still in college, without financial support. The salary of my girlfriend and I is not high, just enough for daily expenses, so it is difficult to buy a house before marriage. I thought she could understand me, but she still insisted on buying a house before marriage, so we have been in a cold war.

This matter makes me feel very stressed. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable, so I confide to my friends. They think my girlfriend is too materialistic, so they advise me to break up. I'm very confused. What should I do?

Teacher Li Xiuxin:

After six years of love, your relationship has been affected by practical factors, and they have conflicts and disagreements. You are confused about where this relationship should go... You may feel that your girlfriend does not understand herself, just graduated a few years ago, no family background, wages will never rise fast, how can you buy a house? I feel that my girlfriend is forcing you, under great pressure and pain, and I want to escape. However, such a phenomenon is not rare. Why do many women ask to buy a house before marriage?

1. Influenced by traditional ideas: most women's concept of marriage is to form a new family with their lovers, and the house is the basis of the family. It is our traditional concept that a house is a home.

2. Social pressure and comparison mentality: house seems to have become the standard configuration of modern marriage. If the man has no house, he may be considered as incompetent. In addition, without a house, parents worry that their daughter will lead a vagrant life after marriage. They feel distressed and lose face at the same time. On the other hand, if all the relatives and friends around are married to "people with houses", it will inevitably lead to a big psychological gap and fear of being laughed at by others.

3. Increase the cost of marriage and avoid risks: many couples disagree about divorce because, in addition to the breakdown of their feelings, divorce costs are not high. Therefore, many girls attach great importance to houses. They feel that if they have a house, the stability of marriage will be higher. Even if they cheat or divorce, they will consider the cost and price more. This is why many women ask to write their own names when buying a house, because the existence of the house makes the divorce cost higher and reduces the risk of marriage to some extent.

You might as well think about it: if your girlfriend insists on buying a house, do you understand her real concerns? Are you willing to overcome these difficulties and enter into marriage? When we identify ourselves as a firm and only partner, we will have the strength to overcome the differences between two people, otherwise, even if two people are together, they may not be happy.

If you still want to marry your girlfriend after thinking about it, please be prepared to accept these pressures and try to adjust the differences between you. If you don't have the ability to buy a house at the moment, you can try to communicate with your girlfriend to plan in detail the future: how to develop your career, how to increase your income, and how long it will take to reach your dream of buying a house. When she can understand and accept, you can also work towards the goal, and believe that your love and marriage will develop in a healthy direction.