Marital counseling: What should I do if my husband is picky and rejects physical contact with me?

　　 Ms. W:

My husband and I got married in 2015. My husband is very critical of me in life. He will be angry and scolded whenever he acts against his wishes. He thinks that I don't believe him in many things. Many problems between us are caused by different family backgrounds.

Besides, he thinks my parents interfere too much with us. We currently have no children and are trying to prepare for pregnancy. But at present, I am not very confident.

He loves his 10-year-old daughter who is his ex-wife most. When his daughter is present, he avoids close contact with me for fear that his daughter will be jealous. I feel uneasy and don't know how to deal with the distance between me and him. He was criticized by his ex-wife for this problem before, but the emotional alienation of his parents in his original family led to his inability to deal with marital relations. I don't know how to adjust myself to him.

In public, he also avoids physical contact such as holding hands with me.

The little girl's parents divorced when she was 8 years old, and she would come to live with us on weekends, but she mainly lived with us during the epidemic prevention period.

Weekends can be tolerated at ordinary times, but now it's hard to be overstocked after a long time

I told him (the need for intimacy) and tried to change, but he still didn't change. At present, I try to look at him as a roommate. Maybe if I pull the relationship away, I won't lose much hope. But I don't know how long I can stand this situation.

　　 Tan Suyi, a senior psychological consultant answer:

In the family relationship, the husband cares more about the daughter of his ex-wife and avoids being close to his wife. He is worried that if he treats his wife well, his daughter will be jealous and think that his father's love for him has been taken away.

By doing so, you can feel that your stepdaughter is more important than you in your husband's eyes. You think that your husband doesn't love or care about yourself, and you feel helpless, lost and uneasy. Especially during the epidemic, there is too much pain accumulated.

Because of his original family problems, he can't express his emotions in an appropriate way, and is not good at handling the relationship between husband and wife, which makes you feel bad communication and difficult to get along with him.

This family state makes you very dissatisfied and unbearable. My husband also expresses dissatisfaction and thinks that your parents are involved too much. You want to change. I hope my husband can also see your intimate needs. The family will be warmer and the relationship between husband and wife will be closer, but I don't know what to do.

How should we deal with this?

Mr. Li believes that different family backgrounds lead to different ways of doing things between husband and wife. You also think that the emotional alienation of the parents of the original family has led to the husband's inability to deal with the relationship between husband and wife.

Indeed, many of our beliefs, skills, habits, and ways of getting along, including the way we communicate with others, are more or less learned from our original families, and even our values and outlook on life are deeply influenced by our parents.

Therefore, it is inevitable that people from two different original families will have differences.

There are great differences in personality between husband and wife, and their needs for intimacy are different. It is difficult for us to say this by right or wrong.

Someone said: My partner and I are totally different in personality, so we broke up.

Some people also say that because of differences in personality, they attract each other!

The existence of difference is not terrible. There is no perfect person who fits perfectly in this world.

More importantly, how do we treat and deal with such differences? Through our efforts, we can resolve the negative effects of differences, and even become resources to promote the relationship between husband and wife.

A person's maturity just starts from his inner vastness. You can accept the difference and start thinking from the perspective of others.

Understanding needs to be based on full understanding.

We can understand ourselves and our partners only when we first understand ourselves and then review our own behavior patterns.

See the advantages and disadvantages of each other, understand the minefields of their emotions, and learn how to express and deal with each other's emotions, so as to reduce conflicts, seek common ground while reserving differences and complement each other, and achieve harmonious relations.

If the couple can communicate well, they can understand, accept, tolerate and trust each other, and any problems and difficulties can be solved.

Then, on the basis of sound communication, you can find a comfortable and acceptable range for intimacy.

In the relationship between stepparents and children, the intermediate role played by the children's biological parents is very critical.

The husband and wife can communicate and negotiate with each other to reach a consensus on how to do a good job in the responsibility and division of labor of daughter rearing, and how to balance the family relationship.

At the same time, the teacher is also guided to put himself in the position of his wife and understand her difficulties, learn to appreciate her contribution to her daughter, pay attention to emotional exchanges with her, and create a harmonious relationship between husband and wife.

In this process, if you feel difficult, it is understandable. Marriage management is a lesson, but there is no natural intimacy between stepparents and stepchildren brought by blood. The relationship is complex and delicate, and you need to learn how to get along.

You can seek the help of professionals to better and more directionally explore yourself, know yourself, understand the source of the formation of your personality characteristics, break through your own limitations and obstacles, improve your wisdom and skills in dealing with intimate relationships, and better control intimate relationships.