Companion magazine: How to deal with parents who always urge marriage?

　 Media: Companion Magazine, the 490th issue in March 2020, P41 Marriage Consulting Room

Experts in this issue: Tan Suyi, senior psychological consultant of Guangzhou Heartball Psychological Counseling Center, national second-class psychological consultant.

　　 Xiaomi Consultation:

Recently, my parents called every day to urge me to get married. The reason is that I am too old to get married. It's a shame. He even mobilized seven aunts and eight aunts to carry out "humanistic care". I feel that as soon as there is a topic, I will talk about who gets married and who has children. I will be forced to go on blind dates again! My parents even threatened to break off the relationship with me if we didn't find someone to marry soon! Now I am afraid and disgusted to see my parents calling. I am often confused. I am only 27 years old, which is a good time to develop my career. Why get married later? Why are parents always urging?

Teacher Tan Suyi, a psychological consultant, answers:

　　 1、 Tension and driving force brought by unfinished events

In traditional culture, an unmarried mature individual is incomplete, incomplete and unstable, and can only be regarded as a whole if he/she has to find another half, form a family, and have children. If children do not marry and have children, it is an unfinished event for parents. This sense of incompleteness will bring a kind of tension and drive, driving people to rush to fill it, just like seeing a circle with a gap, they can't help but fill it up. The unfulfilled sense of gene continuity makes marriage urging become the inertia of realizing the inner desire, thus ignoring the feelings of children being urged to marry.

　　 2、 Unrecognized panic and anxiety

In the family system of China, the uniqueness of people does not become the standard of flaunting, but the standard of advocating unification. In other words, thinking that you must live the same life as others, as if "different" means different, abnormal and unsafe. When their children reach marriageable age but are still alone, mainstream Chinese parents will feel particularly anxious and panic, as if they are abandoned outside the group.

In order to alleviate the pressure of public opinion that is not recognized, they will pass this anxiety on to their children, who will also feel anxiety.

　　 3、 Lack of boundaries, love and hurt

Many parents urge marriage out of concern for their children, but some parents are more concerned about their own face and sense of shame. This is related to the lack of interpersonal boundaries in the traditional Chinese family structure. That is, parents always regard their children as a part of them, which is an extension of their body, rather than an individual independent of their parents, with independent thoughts and emotions.

Parents will project what they think is bad, such as shame of not getting married and having children, to their children; They will also equate their children's bad with their bad, and they are also ashamed. However, for young people who pursue individuality, their thoughts are more diversified than those of their parents, and they do not think it is a shame.

Therefore, some parents seem to worry about their children everywhere and love their children very much, but they often do great harm to their children.

Xiaomi can tell himself that whether parents are happy and anxious is not the responsibility of their children. They have the ability to take responsibility for their own lives.

At the same time, we should also consider: why do parents urge marriage? You can communicate with your parents more and understand their intentions from the perspective of each other.

Children's planning on growth dynamics, inner thoughts, marriage and love, especially their pursuit of spiritual life quality, can open their hearts to their parents, improve their understanding of themselves, and reduce their worries and anxieties.

Age is not the key to decide whether to get married, and the pressure from parents or other outside should not be the decisive factor. Instead, we must be clear about why we get married and what we want to achieve through marriage? What needs to be paid in marriage? Then actively look for your partner. No matter what form you choose, you need to carefully arrange your life.