Article| Psychological consultant Tan Suyi
Marriage is a topic that everyone will face when entering the adult world.
Especially for some older women, the problem of being unmarried is doomed to bear the pressure from society, family and other aspects.
Small A:
I am 28 years old and the eldest in my family. I have a younger brother. My parents worked outside when I was young. I have always been a good girl and have no love experience.
I have been very busy after work. Now I am old and anxious. I have a lot of psychological pressure. In addition to the urging of my family, I feel lost and depressed.
In fact, my family and friends have introduced many men to me, but I always have a headache. Because the process of chatting with them is really boring, tedious and laborious.
Maybe it's because I'm introverted and not good at words. Although I try my best to solve the problem, I often lose my energy after chatting once, which makes me feel empty.
Although I also have a favorite target, the other person seems to be very passive, and I am not an active person, so I often end up with nothing later.
In fact, I am also quite tangled. On the one hand, I am eager for a good love. After all, it is a wonderful thing to have someone share your joys, sorrows and sorrows with you.
On the other hand, after listening to the news of the unfortunate marriage, I felt a little uneasy and vaguely afraid.
I sometimes feel that I have low EQ or what is wrong with me.
I get along well with my friends, customers and colleagues. I feel very relaxed. But if you know that you want to go on a blind date with someone, you can't help feeling tired and shrinking.
Everyone says that it's good to fall in love, but why do I feel so hard. Although I yearn for love, I don't want to work so hard to fall in love.
Since falling in love is so tiring, it seems that I have no problem living alone.
Many people feel the same about the current situation of A and are eager to find a happy partner to carry out a good love,
But I don't know how to start, and I don't know how to express myself. I lack the skills of love, the methods of communication, and so on. You will find it very difficult to get along.
In addition, many girls expect that boys will take the initiative to pursue themselves because of their reserve, but many boys are also very passive,
They can't understand women's emotions and behaviors. Maybe they like you, but they don't know how to approach you.
As a result, both of them are passive and can easily be missed.
We tend to think that this type of girls only lack love skills or are passive, which leads to delayed love.
If this is the case, the problem will not become a problem, because you can learn if you don't understand, and you can try to be active if you are passive.
But the problem is not so simple. After in-depth understanding, they will find that they are actually in a state of "powerless love", which can be changed, but they feel so difficult.
Some girls feel happy, relaxed and full of interest, even like they have beaten chicken blood;
Some girls feel that it is a troublesome thing, and they feel hard and tired. In fact, she is not a person who lacks perseverance. She works very hard at ordinary times and seldom talks hard.
Why do two girls have different experiences in dealing with the same thing?
When Xiao A really had psychological counseling, she found that she had never been loved, or rarely felt loved.
Her parents were always quarrelling with each other. Not long after she was born, her mother left her to her grandparents and went out to work.
As she is a girl, her grandparents don't care for her. In her deep memory, she always stayed at home alone.
As a child, she never received timely attention and emotional support from her parents, and did not feel the feeling of love;
At a young age, she is still a child, but she has not been taken good care of. Instead, she needs to take care of her family by herself.
In the process of growing up, she has always played the role of caretaker in the family, and she has always paid unilaterally. "No one in the family asked me whether I was tired, happy or not, and how was my life...".
When such a cold truth unfolded naked, she felt so cruel and terrible, and couldn't help hugging herself. She had so many untreated wounds.
When she became an adult, she always felt empty in her heart. It was hard for her to feel true happiness, and it was hard for her heart to believe that she would get love.
This mentality is often associated with some of the most fundamental things in life, such as security and trust:
Will someone love me in this world?
Will others hurt/alienate me intentionally or unintentionally?
Am I worth being loved?
When can I meet someone who really loves me?
If so, do I have the ability to establish a real long-term relationship with TA?
"Love" is a kind of ability that needs to be learned. Only when children are well seen and nurtured can they develop such functions.
Without being loved and cherished in childhood, it is often difficult for this person to master the ability to love others.
Therefore, when trying to really get along with the opposite sex, she felt at a loss, lack of motivation, tired, did not know how to interact with people, and constantly felt frustrated.
Children who have been fully loved in their childhood are full and rich in heart. Their cups are filled with milk, and there are even various nutritious cereals and dried fruits in them;
A child who is not loved has an empty cup, or contains very little milk or even plain boiled water. She is always a hungry little girl and never has enough to eat.
She realized that the other party would like a girl like the "little sun", and why didn't she want to love others like this.
But no matter how hard he tried, he never felt the warmth and care brought by his parents,
The "hungry" self is angry, depressed, self abased, feeling powerless, afraid, desperate, and finally chose to give up and shrink into the shell of indifference and depression.
Therefore, in the face of intimacy, her heart was triggered
Fear (fear of being hollowed out and dying despair)
Anger (I hate my parents deeply. Am I not important enough and excellent enough, so my parents or other family members don't love me?)
Unfair (Why don't I enjoy the care, and even if I pay, I can't get the return?)
In addition to not feeling the love of her parents for herself, because the family relationship is full of conflict and indifference, she also did not feel the love between her parents, parents and family.
In order to avoid repeating such a bad experience, she will be particularly tired and resistant to dating. In fact, she is subconsciously defensive because of fear of marriage.
How can you break into and manage intimate relationships without being loved as a child?
The ability to love includes the ability to love and be loved. One is that you can make the other party feel love (expressiveness), and the other is that you can truly feel that you are loved (sensibility).
Some people love very much, but they don't know how to express; Some people are clearly loved, but feel that the other side does not love; More people who have not been unconditionally loved do not believe that they deserve to be loved
Life is a journey. All the people and things we meet are to help us grow.
Although parents did not give themselves enough love, parents also have their own limitations. What they can give themselves is already the best.
Although we lack the ability to love, we are not born to love. We can learn how to love and be loved.
We can accept our feelings, but don't easily magnify our pain; Focus on beautiful people and things; We can carry out personal growth through psychological consultation to repair personal limitations and get reborn.
When she really cultivates herself, she has the ability to love and be loved, and no longer fears intimate relationships, she can really open her heart. Love and marriage are like flowers blooming, and butterflies come naturally!
