Amin asks for help:
My husband and I have been married for 2 years, and the baby is 1 year old.
My father-in-law died three years ago. My mother-in-law was alone in her hometown. My husband and I worked outside and rented a house, so there was no contradiction at first. But after the baby was born, the husband took his mother-in-law to live with him, also to help take care of the baby.
My mother-in-law is very capable and diligent. I am very grateful to her for this. But my mother-in-law is also a person who likes to be in charge of things. When she opens her mouth, she will follow her requirements for everything, or she will be unhappy if she answers her.
Her mother-in-law has a strong sense of control and always brushes her sense of existence. It seems that the whole world cannot live without her. For example, I never asked my mother-in-law to make breakfast for us. Breakfast can be bought outside. The company also has a canteen, but my mother-in-law must make her own brunch.
My mother-in-law did it on her own, and then accused me in the family group of being lazy, not helping with housework, and not being filial; It seems that I am idle every day. Every day I talk about how much she has done, how hard it is to take care of the baby, and how painful it is to do some work.
I usually mop the floor, wash dishes, wash clothes, bathe the baby, etc. My husband occasionally takes the initiative to help wash the dishes, and my mother-in-law will be very angry, and can't stand it. She thinks I let her son do it.
My mother-in-law is very double standard. I occasionally sleep until 8 o'clock on weekends, and her son does not say that he sleeps until 10 o'clock on weekends.
……
And I am a typical Hunan girl, straightforward, what to say. When my mother-in-law scolded me, I was very angry. At the beginning, I immediately got back.
Every time there is a small contradiction, my husband never says anything for me, but always favors my mother-in-law, which makes me disappointed and unbalanced.
This kind of day makes me depressed and uncomfortable. I feel more lonely, bent, tortured, and even a little depressed.
I wanted to quit my job to take care of my children and let my mother-in-law go home, but my husband refused and said he would not leave the old man at home. What's more, my husband and I have the same income. If I quit my job, what kind of food, drink, and salad would be free at home? The income from my son's milk powder and diapers is not enough for spending.
I mentioned divorce, but my husband said that we had no problem getting along, but his mother had such a personality that she had to do everything and complained about it. My husband could not understand me at all. Instead, he felt that I was low in EQ, hot tempered, insufficiently tolerant and tactful. He said that the contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law needed to be resolved by myself.
For my mother-in-law, I also want to respect and be filial to her, but I always feel that she is picking on me. I want to live a good life in peace, but now I am in the same house with my mother-in-law, and there is no harmony at all!
This kind of environment makes me feel unhappy about the delicious life. How can I deal with the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law? In fact, I don't want to divorce. I want to live a good life for my family. I really can't do anything.
Marital counseling Interpretation:
The relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, which is characterized by "constant cutting and disorderly management", is one of the important reasons why women feel extremely tired and powerless after marriage. In all ages of marriage, the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is more difficult to grasp than that between husband and wife.
In this family, the mother-in-law has a bad attitude towards her daughter-in-law and interferes with her daily life everywhere. The wife is very aggrieved and uncomfortable, but the husband always demands tolerance, filial piety and magnanimity. However, the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law has not improved much, and mother-in-law always treats herself as an enemy. Over time, even the relationship between husband and wife has been greatly affected. Women's love for their husbands has gradually faded, and they are disappointed in their marriage. So, what should we do to solve the confrontation in the family?
1、 Daughters in law need to adjust their expectations and perceptions
First of all, my mother-in-law is not my mother.
In front of our mothers, we can not only show our filial piety, but also complain, be lazy, and be wayward... because we only expose our worst side in front of our closest people, and because only our mothers can tolerate all your temper and listen to your grievances outside.
Since mother-in-law is not a mother, don't think that mother-in-law can "regard herself as a woman", nor can she be as casual as she is in front of her mother. In front of her mother-in-law, the relationship is intimate, and we need to show the good side, like a good wife and mother.
Secondly, there are differences in the living habits, values and age between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, which may lead to dissatisfaction with each other.
In addition to this factor, many mothers in law think that when their daughter-in-law comes, they will not only take away their raised son, but also take away his care, love and care for themselves. Moreover, the daughter-in-law also came to grab power, and another woman was in charge of the family affairs. The mother-in-law thought her interests were threatened.
Therefore, the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law had better live separately, not under the same roof, which naturally avoids many contradictions and troubles.
At present, you and your husband are busy with work. Your mother-in-law helps you take care of your children, and also undertakes a lot of housework, which helps you reduce a lot of burdens. The mother-in-law is not a saint, and naturally has some shortcomings of her own. As a daughter-in-law, while enjoying her mother-in-law's efforts, she should also try to accept the differences between herself and her mother-in-law, and understand the difficulties of mother-in-law in bringing children. At this stage, if you need the help of your mother-in-law, you should not expect her to be a free nanny, but also evaluate the working method and quality of the nanny.
Generally, children can go to kindergarten at the age of 3. It is advisable to give themselves 2-3 years to work hard and make money. With a grateful heart, they can get along well with their mother-in-law, understand and tolerate each other, and deal with the contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law intelligently.
If you really can't accept it, you can take care of your children or hire a nanny to live separately from your mother-in-law. Think about whether you can afford to spend more than 100000 yuan to hire a nanny in two or three years? Is the money worth it? If you don't live with your mother-in-law, can you balance work and family?
2、 Learn the art of using language
Learn the skills of speaking. Praise is a language skill and a reflection of emotional intelligence. Praise can nourish the other party and is the lubricant of relationship.
A colleague once shared such an example. His daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law have high EQ. They like to praise and affirm their parents in law, and get along well with them. Although colleagues know that this is just rainbow fart, it is very useful. Once, my daughter-in-law sent a circle of friends to thank her mother-in-law and said: "My mother-in-law is my idol, and she is the most comfortable person I have met so far.".
Colleagues were delighted when they saw this, and immediately contracted the money for their grandson's diapers and milk powder for the past two years.
A good mother-in-law daughter-in-law relationship can also be promoted through the art of language.
Behind her mother in law's complaining and complaining is that her psychological needs have not been met. When mother-in-law takes the initiative to do housework, to some extent, she also hopes to be recognized and appreciated by her children and daughter-in-law. If her children turn a blind eye to her, she can only make others pay attention to her value by blaming and complaining.
At this age, my mother-in-law is in the stage of "loss", retired from work, and my wife has left, especially the decline of physical function. She can obviously feel the changes of her body, such as more and more white hair, worse body, frequent colds, and more large and small problems (arm pain, knee pain). These signs of aging are likely to cause death anxiety of the elderly.
Usually, the elderly at this stage will try to find something to do to fill the time and material gaps. If they can feel that they are needed and valuable, they can better alleviate death anxiety.
If the daughter-in-law can understand her mother-in-law's mind and needs, understand that her complaints are actually to gain recognition, and can work with her husband to actively praise her hard work, learn to appreciate her strengths, appreciate her efforts, accept and tolerate her complaints, learn to compromise against non principled conflicts, her mother-in-law's sense of value will be greatly satisfied, They also feel that their son's love for themselves has not been taken away, and that there is an additional daughter-in-law to love her, which can greatly promote the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.
3、 Handle the contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law well, and the husband should do a good job of balance and adjustment
When the conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law sprouted, the husband, as an intermediary, often did not take any action, but chose to be silent and treat himself as an outsider, as if he had nothing to do with himself.
However, the so-called discord between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is a superficial phenomenon. The focus of the contradiction is actually the husband, which is in essence the adjustment dysfunction of the husband.
When facing the problem of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, many men will support whoever is right and criticize whoever is wrong, and the relationship will get worse and worse. Because home is not a place of reason, but a place of emotion.
In fact, mother-in-law is contradictory. On the one hand, she instinctively rejects her daughter-in-law. On the other hand, she also hopes that her son will have a happy marriage and a happy family. In a relationship, if she feels that her son has married a daughter-in-law, she will snub her mother and reject her daughter-in-law; If she feels that not only her son loves her a lot, but also her daughter-in-law loves her, she will not reject her daughter-in-law.
Therefore, in order to thoroughly solve the problem of disharmony between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, the husband needs to take a great responsibility: first of all, position his role - to be a good bridge, not a judge who judges for them.
First, love your wife, meet her psychological and emotional needs, and make her a happy woman. When the relationship between husband and wife is good, then she loves her house and her husband, so that they can be filial to their mother together. Otherwise, a wife who is emotionally and psychologically unsatisfied cannot keep her mood calm. How can she treat her parents in law kindly?
Second, in a good mother-in-law daughter-in-law relationship, as a son and husband, the man must bravely stand up and take responsibility.
First of all, in the face of complaints from both sides of the mother and his wife, smart men will not "pass from one side to the other", but will please both sides. Being a smart "microphone" will not only make two women's dissatisfaction with each other disappear, but also make two women feel better about each other and promote harmony between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.
Secondly, smart men will do a good job of "bonding" between the two women, be brave to be "villains", and leave the opportunity to be good to the two women.
For example, if the mother may be offended, the son should say it; Be brave to bear the blame and be a villain. When the husband quarrels with his mother or takes the initiative to blame himself for the mistake, the mother may be temporarily sad, but after a while will forget, and this is her own son, how can she argue with his son?
Give your wife the chance to be a good person, for example, to buy something to honor your parents, or to please your parents. All of them say that it is your wife's contribution and thought, and you should step aside. Even if you do it yourself, you will tell your parents what your wife wants or suggests.
In this way, most parents in law will think that the daughter-in-law is reasonable, considerate and filial, "short mouthed, soft handed", and naturally will not be too targeted at the daughter-in-law, but their love for their son will not be reduced, and even proud that their son has married such a good wife.
Therefore, over a long period of time, the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is harmonious. As a husband and son, it will be much easier to be in the middle.
At present, the husband has no such awareness. As a wife, what you need to do is to focus on the relationship with the husband, grow up with him, and strive for his support.
Of course, this is not an easy thing. It requires not only skills but also wisdom. If you feel difficult, you can seek professional guidance to help yourself and your husband improve their ability to run a marriage and family, deal with the contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, and get a harmonious and happy marriage.
