Companion magazine: Couple life is AA system, this marriage is really tiring

Media: Companion Magazine, May 2021, Issue 504, P43, Marriage Consulting Room

Experts in this issue: Tan Suyi, a psychologist at Guangzhou Heartball Psychological Consultation Center, a national second-class psychologist.

Chu Tong Consulting:

My husband and I have been married for seven years, and have never had children. We have discussed the implementation of the AA system: the husband and wife each manage their own wages, and one person bears half of the mortgage. However, after a period of implementation, my husband could not persist. He always said that my salary was higher than his and asked me to pay more money. But in fact, most of the family expenses were borne by me. Because I have a knot in my heart. At the beginning, I paid more because I loved him and wanted to live with him wholeheartedly. Unexpectedly, he not only didn't know how to be grateful, but also cared so much about money.

Most of the time, I am really angry. As a man, my husband always haggles over money. What really chills me is that I spent a lot of money in hospital recently, but my husband didn't pay a penny. I can't help complaining about him. As a result, he didn't come to pick me up when I left hospital. I feel tired in this marriage. Is this the trouble caused by AA system? Or is the husband so ruthless?

　　 Tan Suyi, Senior Counselor and Marriage Counselor of Guangzhou Heartball Psychological Counseling Center Interpretation:

Nowadays, couples increasingly like to implement the AA system in marriage, which is a challenge to the traditional marriage concept. If handled well, it can enhance the sense of family responsibility of both spouses; Otherwise, it will affect the feelings between husband and wife. What problems should we pay attention to when adopting AA system in marriage?

　　 1、 AA system should be reasonable and clear

The rules of the AA system should be determined according to the specific income of both the husband and wife, not simply dividing the living expenses, but also saving a certain amount of family development funds.

If one party's income is twice or more than the other party's, it is unfair for the low-income party to ask both parties to pay the family expenses together with the same amount. Therefore, for the expenditure in daily life and the family development fund jointly reserved, the husband and wife can negotiate according to the wage ratio.

In many cases, the reason why the AA system affects marriage is not that there is a problem with the AA system itself, but that it is not clarified when formulating the rules of the AA system.

　　 2、 AA system should not be absolute

The relative AA system can promote both husband and wife's self-esteem, self love, self-reliance, and maintain independent personality. However, a real marriage requires both parties to jointly undertake various responsibilities and obligations. If the absolute AA system is firmly implemented, the feelings between husband and wife will certainly change.

If one party's expenditure exceeds the plan, the other party can give support, so that the relationship between money and feelings can be better balanced in future life.

　 3、 It is impossible to fully implement the AA system in some aspects of expenditure

Generally speaking, the AA system clarifies the expenses of both husband and wife, and they can make their own financial plans. However, in terms of the overall arrangement of family expenditure, especially for the living expenses of the elderly and children, it is difficult to achieve a full AA system;

Many AA marriages will break down with the change of one spouse's income after marriage, childbearing, supporting the elderly, medical treatment, etc. Therefore, under special circumstances, the husband and wife still need to support each other, adjust the expenditure distribution plan appropriately, and avoid damaging the relationship between husband and wife.

4、 AA system cannot be abused

In life, not all couples apply the AA system. If the emotional foundation between couples is not solid, or the income gap between the two sides is too large, the AA system may not be suitable for couples.

If one party cannot accept the AA system in its concept, but still wants to implement it, it will not only be difficult to achieve the goal of economic independence for both parties, but also easier to let each other fall into a crisis of trust.