Companion magazine: After my husband cheated, I always have psychological shadow. What should I do

Media: Companion Magazine, September 2021, Issue 508, P18, Marriage Consulting Room

Experts in this issue: Tan Suyi, senior consultant of Guangzhou Heartball Psychological Counseling Center, national second-class psychological consultant, and psychological consultant of "Rights Protection Service Station" of Guangdong Women's Federation.

　 Linda Consulting:

My husband and I fell in love for six years before we got married. During the eight years of marriage, I have always kept my promise and loved him alone. I am one year older than him, with strong personality and smooth work development. I am the economic pillar of my family, and I am basically the master of everything at home. He has always been tolerant of me, and our relationship is also very good. But two years ago, he often returned late, and we often quarreled about this.

In March 2020, I accidentally found that he and my girlfriend had an improper relationship. At that time, I collapsed. One was my closest friend, the other was my good friend. They hurt me like this. My first reaction was divorce!

When I asked him why he did this, he explained that because I was strong and didn't understand him, I just talked to my girlfriend. He has no feelings for my girlfriend. He only has children and me in his heart. Both our families advised us not to divorce, and he also wrote a letter of commitment to me, promising that we would not cheat again. I tried to persuade myself to forgive him, but it was hard to do it from the bottom of my heart. My mood is repeated several times, sometimes good and sometimes bad, and the whole person is immersed in pain every day.

In addition, my husband's temper is getting worse and worse. I often lose my temper because he comes home late and I ask him a few more questions. I say that I am selfish and have abnormal emotions. I sneer at him every day, which makes people around me feel uncomfortable. I also say that I do not trust him, often suspect him, and humiliate his personality in disguised form... I am very sad. I didn't expect that I would suffer from injustice, and he should still say so about me.

I want to divorce and worry about the impact on my children. I want to live a good life, but I can't get over it. I can't control myself. What should I do?

　　 Tan Suyi, senior consultant of Guangzhou Heartball Psychological Consultation Center Resolution:

Linda's husband cheated on her friend, which was a double blow to Linda. Consciously, she knew that if the marriage was to continue, she would have to put aside her husband's infidelity, but it was difficult for her subconsciously to do so. This is because Linda is still in the traumatic stress caused by her husband's infidelity. People in this state usually have the following reactions:

1、 First of all, she doesn't believe her husband will do this. When the evidence is irrefutable, she will totally deny the relationship and marriage life of the past years, and feel that the past is not true and there is no hope for the future. At this stage, she will belittle herself and deny herself in terms of appearance, ability, character, etc.

2、 Filled with resentment, she would think: I have paid so much, how can he hurt me like this? My husband knows that cheating will bring devastating damage to me, but he is still willing to hurt me, regardless of my pain. That bad woman knows that he has a family, but she wants to destroy other people's families. I must revenge!

3、 Some people will also blame themselves for their lack of vigilance. They think that if they had been more careful, their husband would not have cheated, or if they had discovered the clues of his cheating as soon as possible, they would not have been cheated.

4、 They will also blame themselves for pushing their husband out of the company because they found that he had cheated without proper treatment. Under the psychological effect of self blame and self blame, many people will think that it is their own fault, that they are useless and that they have ruined their marriage

5、 If the trust is lost, some people will especially want to know what happened between the husband and the woman, and what they have experienced, especially to explore the details and tangle repeatedly in this regard. As long as the husband is not around, he has no sense of security and always suspects that he has gone to meet his lover privately. She will keep in touch with her husband by phone and WeChat, and must find out where he is? With whom? What are you doing? The more her husband did not listen back, the more anxious and frantic she became. However, the more detailed you know, the deeper you will be hurt, and the more you ask, the more you can't get out of it, which undoubtedly destroys the marital relationship you wanted to repair.

6、 In terms of sex, some women will resist the sexual life after learning that their partner has cheated, feel dirty and disgusting, do not want to get close to them, and their husbands are not allowed to touch them. If they pass the places where they have cheated (restaurants, hotels, etc.), they will also feel very uncomfortable and unwilling to go there. Some women, on the contrary, become sexually aroused, more active and passionate about sexual life, and enjoy sexual life more than before.

The above reactions will vary from person to person. Some people will go back and forth, and the shadow in their hearts will never disappear, while some people will be able to get out of the shadow more smoothly after making a noise. If you can't get out of the trauma stress disorder after a long time of various efforts, you need to seek professional psychological counseling and intervention in a timely manner.

The best way to avoid further injury is not to ask questions, suppress indifference, or divorce, but to find the root of the problem and solve it. The husband cheated. On the surface, he failed to resist temptation or his wife was too strong, but what's the root cause You look for it carefully.

If you think about it carefully, you can see that the husband did not like to lose his temper and shirk his responsibility as he does now. He felt guilty and afraid when he was found cheating. Guilt is to hurt you, fear is to lose you and this family. Only in this year, your questioning hurt not only you but also your husband; Repeated entanglement will lead to both you and your husband.

As you can't help but keep asking questions, your husband will gradually get bored with this, and even escape or resist because of fear.

If she doesn't want the relationship to continue to deteriorate, Linda needs to really let herself get out of the trauma of her husband's extramarital affairs, make her more calm and have strength to face the current situation, so that she can find the root of the problem calmly and rationally, stop hurting each other, and re-establish a harmonious relationship between husband and wife.