In the marriage problem cases received over the years, the vast majority of couples are very willing to carry out marriage counseling, and a small number of visitors ask: I want to bring my husband/wife together for marriage counseling, but TA is unwilling to come, what should I do?
When marriage problems occur, one party wants to improve the marriage relationship through counseling, but the other party also refuses psychological counseling. The active party is usually very anxious and helpless.
Some people will try hard and soft to get their partners over. As a result, their partners are more resistant and uncooperative, and the effect of consultation is limited.
Some people think that since my partner is unwilling, I simply don't do anything, which leads to worse marital problems.
In psychological consultation, if the partner is unwilling to consult, we will suggest the client to come first for psychological consultation.
For this suggestion, many visitors will question:
I think the problem lies in TA. Is it useful for me to receive psychological counseling alone?
The problem is not caused by one person. What can I do for consultation alone?
Especially when they think that what they have done in marriage is right and what they have done wrong is the other party, this idea will be more intense.
So, When the partner does not cooperate, why should the active party in the marriage problem consult first?
1、 The principle of psychological consultation is that whoever suffers will change
Take a simple example. For example, a husband felt that his wife was very powerful and controlled, and felt very painful. He suggested that his wife go to psychological counseling, but the wife ignored him.
In this scene, the wife's strong and control is her consistent behavior. She is very used to it, and the husband is uncomfortable and unaccustomed. The husband couldn't stand his wife's strength, but he couldn't find a better way to deal with it, so he was in agony.
In this case, compared with the wife, if the husband, the more painful party in the relationship, comes for help, the motivation for change is actually stronger, and the effect of psychological counseling will be more obvious.
Why does the wife not want psychological consultation? Because TA has greater benefits in such a relationship mode, it is understandable that she refuses psychological consultation.
It can be seen from this that the motivation of psychological consultation needs to start from a person's heart: who suffers, who seeks help, who changes.
2、 Good counseling relationship is an important factor influencing the effectiveness of psychological counseling
The psychologist and the client should establish a relationship of security, acceptance and trust, so that the client can get the motivation and support for change and growth, and can better repair the internal trauma and adjust the cognitive and behavioral patterns.
This relationship of security, acceptance and trust must be based on the principle of voluntariness.
Because only when he feels that he no longer wants to endure his current state and is willing to change himself, will he have the motivation to ask for help.
Otherwise, any active help can only make TA feel invaded, criticized, and blamed, which will not help but also make TA resist receiving help.
3、 Reasons for partners to refuse psychological counseling
If you want to solve marital problems with your partner, you should start by understanding why they refuse psychological counseling.
1. The partner intends to destroy/abandon the marriage
If the TA has planned to destroy the marriage, he must be against you. No matter how you ask him, it will be futile. (In view of this situation, as the next handling method of the client, we should be very cautious. After full discussion with the consultant, it is more prudent to carry out the next step of handling strategically.)
2. Lack of courage and motivation to face problems and grow
When you decide to enter a consulting relationship, it means that we will turn our eyes to the unknown world. It takes courage, even pain, to face problems and change ourselves. Many people are unwilling to consult, and may not have enough courage and motivation to face and grow.
3. "Professional help" itself adds a new kind of pressure to the relationship between husband and wife
Some visitors force their partners to conduct psychological counseling, which may involve power struggle, or attempt to "rescue" TA, which will make TA feel an inequality of status: why should I listen to you? Why do you think you know me better?
Some visitors also want to ask for help, but they think that the counselor will stand on the same side with their partner to judge and criticize themselves, which hurts their self-esteem. They will cry in their hearts, "Why is it me, not you, who has problems?" You ask me to do consulting just to clear away their problems and responsibilities. (In fact, psychological counseling does not judge right or wrong, but makes some adjustments to make feelings more opportunities and possibilities before they are exhausted.)
Some people will think that the psychological counselor is entrusted by his/her partner, and he/she will transform the TA according to his/her partner's wishes, which instinctively repels him/her. Nobody wants to be changed. If you must stick to the other party, and expect to transform others, your desire to make your mood, life, and life comfortable will finally fall through. (In fact, psychological counseling is not about changing or manipulating people to make them look right. Counselors are more companions and guides, helping you remove obstacles to growth and become yourself in a healing and safe consultation relationship.)
4. Sickness and shame
Some people feel that psychological counseling is a very shameful thing, exposing their most private inner feelings in front of others, as if they were naked, the weakest state, like fish on the chopping board, when they are most likely to be humiliated and hurt.
The reason why a partner refuses psychological counseling may be different from family to family. When the counselor understands the situation, he will also guide the client to handle it skillfully in the next step to stimulate the motivation of the partner to ask for help.
4、 Drive your partner to change and advance through your own growth
If you find that the relationship between husband and wife has been cracked or deteriorated, or when TA is always against you, it is more important to repair the relationship than to "persuade your partner to do psychological counseling".
How to repair it? You may have taken a lot of methods, but they are in vain or have little effect. In this case, it is very important and necessary for you to take the initiative to seek psychological counseling.
Psychological counselors can first understand the whole picture of your marriage through you, and will also work with you to sort out the problems that can be seen and hidden in the marriage, clarify the root causes and mechanisms of the problems, and help you make adjustments and growth from your own first.
Your growth can drive your partner to change and move forward. Because everyone's changes and adjustments in the family will trigger changes in other family members like dominoes.
Some visitors will find that they have made exemplary behavior through consultation, and their partners will be curious and interested when they see the equal relationship between them and find many positive changes in themselves, which has stimulated the motivation for change, and they are also willing to try psychological consultation.
Some visitors will find that their interactions with their partners have changed since they grew up, and the relationship between husband and wife has been well repaired. Even if their partners do not come for consultation, their marriage problems have been solved.
Some visitors, under the guidance of consultants, learned how to invite their partners to participate in the consultation with a relaxed attitude.
Related reading:
When encountering marriage crisis, why do most women come for help?
Why can marital counseling help you?
