In our intimate relationship, we sometimes Release some aggressiveness 。
Many people may wonder why intimacy should be full of love, care, tolerance and support.
The most common reason why we attack our partners is that we feel bad about them, which makes us hurt and uncomfortable. But it may also be that we feel that the other party is too good. I love you so much that I can't express my love for you without hitting you twice.
You see, between lovers, girls may suddenly bite or pinch boys; When the relationship between husband and wife is stable for a period of time, someone will do something to stimulate the other party.
This kind of attack, if you can find the deep love behind it, can make each other happier and closer. Maybe the couple kissed when they were fighting. Maybe the couple was fighting, their hearts were close, and the atmosphere was alive.
Of course, the reasons and ways of some attacks in intimate relationships may not be so pleasant.
Some attacks are like storms, like thunder, like sticks, like sharp blades, which make people hard to feel love, but a strong sense of destruction;
Some attacks are passive and hidden It is like a light rain on a cloudy and rainy day. When you think it will not fall, you suddenly drop a few drops of rain. You are shocked and angry, but you feel that you are making a mountain out of a molehill.
The former is "active attack" and the latter is invisible attack "Passive attack" It often occurs when the weak side expresses anger accumulated due to unequal status to the strong side.
Stealth attacks can be manifested as:
1. Silence avoidance
In the face of conflict, he is always silent.
When you try to ask him about his thoughts or ask him to face the problem directly, he will either be silent, or interrupt, or run away, or turn over to sleep, or run away while busy with other tasks. He will not express his feelings and thoughts, nor try to solve the problem.
When you catch him and don't let him escape, he seems willing to listen to you, but you feel that the conversation can't go further in every aspect of the conversation. The same result is achieved when he talks and when he doesn't talk.
If you calm down and feel slowly when talking, You will notice that at the moment, it seems that he is talking to you, but he is in a defensive state What you said, he is not ready to let it in at all, just thinking about how to defeat you, deny you and resist you.
2. Fake compromise
Fake compromise is also a kind of passive attack.
However, you must believe in their sincerity, because at the level of consciousness, they also urge themselves to compromise and compromise temporarily, agree with you, satisfy you, and avoid conflicts and accept the negative emotions that follow you.
Just subconsciously, he feels angry and wronged , so it is still in practice Instinctively loyal to themselves , act according to your own ideas.
They may inadvertently forget your instructions; If they forget to give you an anniversary gift, they may have misread the date; He may have sprained his waist suddenly, so he can't finish what he promised you
3. Dependent, not responsible
"Dependence", a passive aggression, often occurs between children and parents, as well as between partners.
For example, a child could have completed his homework independently, but when his mother yelled at him, wrongly blamed him, humiliated him, denied him, etc., he suddenly became retrogressive. What he could do and think about before, but now he can't do and think, he must rely on his mother.
So mother had to suppress her anger and try to keep calm and rational to help him deal with his homework.
Or, when you blame your partner for not making progress in his work, after a few days, you find that he becomes more depressed and powerless. Every time he comes back from work, he lies on the sofa, like a dead fish, lifeless. You are angry, but you have to suppress your anger and attack, squeeze out a trace of tenderness and patience, and care about what happened to him.
He tells you how stressful his work is, so much so that you don't understand. So you blamed yourself and comforted him gently, never dared to urge him to make progress again, and secretly determined to work harder in the future.
4. "It's not that I don't want to do it. I tried my best, but I can't help it."
They are willing to meet the expectations of people around them, but there are always some exceptions that are destroying them.
For example, he can finally travel with his heart in his head, but the night before the trip, he caught a cold and fell ill, dragging his weak body to accompany you on the trip;
Or, when the big exam is approaching, the chain falls off at the critical moment, either because of an unprovoked stomachache, or because he has overslept or lost sleep, and so on, he cannot play his due ability to meet his parents' expectations during the exam.
At this time, you feel angry, but the sincere apology and innocent appearance of the other party make it difficult for you to express it and hold your breath.
The principle of this stealth attack is the same as that in point 2, Conscious level wants to satisfy you, subconscious level wants to be loyal to yourself , so I found a compromise.
5. Delay
Procrastination is the most common stealth attack.
He promised you "OK, I'll do it later!" In fact, he didn't take action until you became angry.
Adler said, "Behind a child who has the habit of procrastination, there is always a mother who knows every detail of the child like the palm of her hand."
Procrastination is often the child's passive resistance to the high control parents.
In the process of procrastination, you gradually lose control while waiting for a response, while ta controls the field with "no response".
These stealth attack modes can be traced back to a person's childhood.
It is a coping strategy for them, especially for parents who have constant family conflicts, or have strong control or do not allow their children to freely express their thoughts and feelings.
Those repressed anger and hatred, after deformation, escaped the supervision of their superego and parents, and expressed in a subtle way.
This early childhood experience, after being copied, Into the intimate relationship of adulthood 。
But such a repressive and hidden way cannot help them release their internal aggressiveness. In the process of negative confrontation, anger will not be dissipated smoothly, and negative emotions are still accumulating.
and, Invisible attack, seemingly repressing hatred They restrained their anger, avoided conflicts and protected them from intense conflicts.
But it also blocks love , especially in the partnership, the relationship suddenly breaks, and the two parties are always unable to connect. They are there, but you don't know where their heart is or what they are thinking.
In the long run, the relationship between the two sides will be plunged into continuous anger, confrontation, avoidance and helplessness.
This article is Guangzhou Heartball Psychological Consultation Center Miss Xu Wenjiao Please indicate the source of the original article when it is reproduced. If it is used without permission, the company reserves the right to investigate according to law.
Related reading:
Emotional counseling: if you don't realize this, intimacy is dangerous
Intimate relationship: extremely bad, but unable to extricate themselves from the bad relationship
"After years of separation, I'm still having a nightmare": how to really get out of a bad relationship?
Romantic relationship attack: behind the attack and destruction of relationship
Truth about marriage: invisible attack is the "killer" of marriage
Marital psychological consultation: How to adjust the frequent mutual accusations in the relationship between husband and wife?
Marital counseling: "cold violence" in marriage is enough to drive a calm person crazy
