Companion magazine: As marriage approaches, I shrink in fear. What should I do

Media: Companion magazine two hundred and two two year five Monthly total five hundred and sixteen stage P forty-six Marriage Consulting Room

Experts in this issue: Tan Suyi, Guangzhou Heartball Psychological Consultation Center Consultant, national second-class psychological consultant ， Guangdong Women's Federation Psychological consultant of "Rights Protection Service Station" 。

Lin Lin Consultation :

I'm in love with my boyfriend After three years of stable relationship, both families thought it was time to talk about marriage. Instead, I hesitated. Even so, I still accept the arrangement of my family, but the closer the marriage is, the more uneasy I feel. My boyfriend is absent-minded all day. He noticed my abnormality and communicated with me patiently, but when I asked not to get married first. After listening to this, the boyfriend responded very strongly: "Are you kidding? The family is happily making arrangements for the wedding, the wedding room is ready, the wedding banquet and wedding ceremony have also been decided, and the most important thing is that the family and friends are all aware of this. How can people end up“

In the face of my boyfriend's excitement, I lost control and cried. The scene that I don't want to recall comes to my mind : In junior high school, my parents often quarreled violently, exchanged harsh words, and were indifferent and estranged. The reason was that in my sixth grade, my father was assigned to work in a neighboring town because of his work, and he could only go home once a week. He spent less time with his family and more time away. My father cheated, and my mother was very angry when she found out. Whenever father came home, mother would quarrel with him repeatedly; After his father returned to work, his mother kept calling to trace his whereabouts. At first, my father felt guilty and apologized to my mother. In the face of his mother's uproar, his father became more and more unbearable, and the number of times he returned home became less and less. The mother went to the father's unit to make trouble and asked the leader to transfer his father back. In this way, my father really came home, but I never saw the smiles on my parents' faces again.

I don't know how I spent these days. I always have a shadow in my heart. Although there has never been a lack of suitors, I have only invested in this relationship. My boyfriend is a warm and sunny boy who can take care of people. That's why I am willing to establish a love relationship with him. However, I always feel insecure. My boyfriend is enthusiastic and outgoing. He has many friends around him, and there are many female confidants. Sometimes when he goes to a friend's party, I still think about it : Which women will he treat better? Will any women like him? Will he waver? Will he still like me? Sometimes when I secretly check his mobile phone and have a friend or colleague of the opposite sex chat with him, I will feel dejected and cannot sleep at night. Usually I try my best to pretend that I am OK, but sometimes I still quarrel with him.

What's wrong with me? I also want to enter a happy marriage, but when I think of these things, I am afraid. What should I do?

Miss Tan Suyi answer :

From your description, you can feel that although you said that your relationship with your boyfriend is very stable, you are always worried that this relationship will be destroyed. You are haunted by an inexplicable sense of insecurity. You can't believe that you can still be happy after marriage. At this time, you suffer from premarital phobia.

In the process of everyone's intimate relationship development, the marriage relationship between the original family and parents has a significant impact on us. And your parents' marriage, which is full of holes, is too much for you to bear. When you just enter adolescence, you will encounter such changes at home in this period when you are full of longing for love and have beautiful dreams.

Although over the years, the relationship between parents has gradually returned to calm, you are very clear that the family has not returned to the same year, and your mentality and personality are also changing. For example, you are very cautious about feelings, and there are not many opportunities to fall in love, but you dare not carry out it easily, and you have always been careful to choose your partner. The considerate warmth and popularity of your boyfriend is the reason why you choose him, and it is also the reason why you cannot trust him completely. Especially when you saw him interacting with the opposite sex, you unconsciously aroused your strong emotions in your original family.

You hate your father. The original father is a great and responsible man in his own heart, but the affair has subverted all your knowledge.

You hate your mother. If your mother could take precautions and find out early, you might not let this happen to your father. If the mother can be less manic afterwards, maybe the father will return to the family immediately.

Now I am not married, and if my partner cheated, I can break up with him temporarily : If you get married, or even have children, you will have no way out. You are very afraid of becoming your mother.

This is the root of your marital phobia. In the important period of your growth, your father's infidelity is a great trauma to you.

Therefore, to solve this problem, first of all, we should help Lin Lin get out of the psychological shadow caused by her father's extramarital affairs, and release and deal with the negative emotions she had suppressed in the past. While strengthening his inner strength, he adjusted his narrow understanding of his father's extramarital affairs and clarified the boundary between his parents' marriage and his intimate relationship. The reason why parents have problems in marriage may be that they have not learned how to run a long-distance marriage life. There are other possibilities, not all of which are what they think.

When Lin Lin can interpret this event more comprehensively, she will gradually get rid of The obsession of "all men are bad, and all women are helpless victims" also made them more aware that their parents had their limitations at that time, and now they have more ability to take responsibility for their intimate relationship. For example, learn to improve the business ability of intimate relationship and avoid the occurrence of betrayal.

After Lin Lin gradually gets rid of the trauma of her native family, she will find that her intimate relationship is more dominated by herself, which will ignite hope and confidence in marriage rather than fear and anxiety. On the contrary, if she enters the marriage with a bad state, she will be more likely to repeat her parents' marriage track in the intimate relationship.

In addition, Lin Lin can communicate and plan her upcoming marriage life with her boyfriend, and strengthen her confidence in marriage. When Lin Lin can do these things, I believe their future is promising.

 This article is the center Miss Tan Suyi The original article has been protected. Please indicate its source when reprinting. If it is used without permission, the company reserves the right to investigate according to law.

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