In recent years, mental health problems of teenagers have emerged frequently, School weariness, depression, rebellious mania, Internet addiction, dropout Wait a minute, let people can not help but sigh about how children are now.
When we look further and see the family behind the children, Maybe we can see that it is not only the problem of children, but also that of parents and the whole family.
In Female Psychiatrist, Euna, who was supposed to be a sunshine girl in senior three, committed suicide frequently.
Because I felt that the teachers and students did not trust her, and I felt that she bullied her classmate Xiao Zhe.
At the beginning, Euna's parents did not realize the seriousness of the problem until they found her daughter slapped her 14 times in the middle of the night, and then sent her to psychotherapy.
Under the guidance of psychological consultant Horton, the secrets of Euna's various abnormal behaviors were revealed, which was unexpectedly related to the intimate relationship with her parents.
Euna's parents did not leave home after a long divorce, and did not tell Euna the fact of divorce, trying to maintain the appearance of a complete and harmonious family.
But in fact, Euna has already spied the truth that this seemingly complete family has long been broken , and she kept creating all kinds of troubles and conflicts, even tried to use her own life as a bargaining chip, only to retain the family and the two closest people in the world.
Behind Euna's various abnormal and destructive behaviors is The driving force of the whole family system, and Euna's problem is actually the whole family relationship Scapegoat 。
one Scapegoat in family relations
Family is the soil for children to grow up. When the soil deteriorates and becomes sick, the seedling will show the sick part of the soil on itself.
When there is a feeling of unsupported expression in the family system, the system will seek another way of expression, and people with weak energy and high sensitivity (usually children) in the family will easily become the "scapegoat" of the family:
As long as they show symptoms, then parents will put aside the contradiction between the two sides for the time being and turn their attention to themselves.
This phenomenon is very common in adolescents (especially adolescence).
Parents think they are perfect, but in fact, it is difficult for children in the family to be unaware of family changes.
Even if the truth is not clear, the feeling of "something wrong" has already occurred. At this time, this feeling of something wrong will drive the children to show problems, and then the main contradiction of the family relationship will be transferred to the children.
And when you look at their families through the window of the scapegoat children, you will see a distorted internal world of the family.
Some families are full of accusations, complaints and contradictions, while children are always irritable and emotional behavior is out of control;
Some families are the combination of absent father, crazy mother and tired children;
Some couples are in a mess. The whole family environment is like a war zone, and there will be flames of war at any time
Many parents feel that as long as they show calm in front of their children, their children will not be aware of it.
But the child is the one A thermometer that accurately measures family relationships He may not be the first to perceive, but he will always be the most accurate one.
Because family is the sky above children, and parents are the "pillars" supporting the sky, when the sky is broken, the whole world of children will feel uneasy, and will try to do something;
Because he has not yet separated himself from his family, he actively or passively involved himself in the contradiction between his parents, so he shouldered the burden of "separation and integration of parents", and used his own problems to "glue" the cracks between his parents;
Because it is difficult for parents to see and face the problems of husband and wife relationship, the weak children in the family system will unconsciously create greater problems, express for parents, and express feelings of not being supported by the family system.
Children's problems become a part of family relations Scapegoat And become the focus of the whole family. It can also become an opportunity for family members to see problems, realize their position in the family, take their own responsibilities, and then promote the change of the family system.
However, it is not easy to achieve such an opportunity. There are complex psychological reasons behind it.
two With secondary benefits, It's hard for children to "get well"
Under the phenomenon of "scapegoat", family members will unconsciously reach a consensus that it is the child who has a problem, so let the child receive psychological treatment.
But in fact, before family members are unwilling to detect their own problems and return to their own positions, children's situation is always difficult to "get better".
In such an atmosphere, children can only make greater efforts to send signals by derailment again and again: There is something wrong with the family.
At the same time, the symptoms shown by children have secondary benefits. As long as those problems are not solved or they become worse, the family is still stable, and parents' relationship or family breakdown can be avoided.
Just like Euna found that when she had problems, her father would take the initiative to return to the family. The contradiction between her parents seemed to be alleviated, and the family seemed to become "harmonious".
However, the marriage problem between her parents has not been solved, and her father still wants to leave, so Euna can only continue to create and upgrade problems, and try to commit suicide to save her parents' precarious marriage.
Therefore, when a child benefits from his symptoms, such as his parents do not quarrel and his attention returns to the family, the child will unconsciously think that his symptoms are "good" and gain a sense of power and value from them. The problem is kept, and the child does not want to make himself "good" unconsciously, taking his problems as a bargaining chip to solve family conflicts.
The famous German psychologist Herringer said: "Children naturally want to be the protector of the family.". When the parents get into trouble, the children have problems, and then the family war can stop. In order to solve the "problem" children, parents will become extremely united.
When children become the protector of family problems, they benefit not only children but also parents.
There is no need to face the faltering marriage, no need to think about why marriage has become like this, and no need to try hard for family happiness. Just focus on the children and believe that when the children's problems are solved, the family will become happy.
Driven by the family system dynamics, parents and children to some extent reached a conspiracy to encourage their children's secondary benefits. Even if they actively took care of their children, it was difficult to achieve results.
3 As a permanent victim, The child has a strong sense of guilt
Being the "scapegoat" of the family for a long time will make children bear a strong sense of guilt. He has become the source of evil and suffering, which has harmed the originally happy family.
That sense of guilt will deeply afflict the child, and will always haunt the child, making him never have a good life, because once he has a good life, he is the biggest unfilial to his parents.
Even when they grow up and leave their families, they will still destroy themselves unconsciously and make themselves unhappy. Trapped in the role of "scapegoat", children can't develop their own lives. They regard themselves as victims and are always responsible for their parents in the subject.
I don't think any parents would like their children to have a bad life. Children are always a real mirror of the family. When children have problems, we might as well move our perspective away from the children to see what is wrong with the family, the relationship between husband and wife, and parent-child relationship.
If the problem is regarded as the operation of the whole family system, the problem will naturally find its source and solution.
This is why the communication between counselors and parents is an indispensable part of most child and adolescent counseling.
When family members return to their own positions and assume their own responsibilities, children will naturally understand that the parents' problems are their own, and they do not need to be responsible for them.
No matter what the relationship between parents is, they have the ability to handle it well. He is no longer a sinner, nor does he risk being abandoned.
Only in this way can children feel relieved to explore the world, devote themselves to self-development, and actively link with others.
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