Companion magazine: What are the reasons behind more and more people's fear of marriage

Media: Companion magazine two hundred and two three year eight Monthly total five thirty-one stage P thirty-six Marriage Consulting Room

Experts in this issue: Tan Suyi, psychologist of Guangzhou Heartball Psychological Consultation Center, national second-class psychologist ， Guangdong Women's Federation "Rights Protection Service Station" psychological consultant.

Xiaotang Consulting :

Me and Wen Yuan, her boyfriend of three years, is finally going to set up her own family. Both parents are very happy and both families are busy working for the new family.

But with all matters one by one Sure, I didn't feel relaxed. Instead, I felt more uncertain and worried. Sometimes it was clearly something that had been ordered before, but I always felt that I had to change it again, afraid of making mistakes at the wedding; Sometimes I think it's too troublesome to prepare for the wedding. I'd rather not do it.

In addition, although our relationship is stable and we know and trust each other, there will still be a lot of friction between us. I can't stand the fact that he always takes an evasive attitude when encountering conflicts, which makes me feel very frustrated. Later, I also tried to avoid conflict, either following him or trying not to mention it.

Now it's time for marriage. I know that marriage is different from love. It involves more things, and there will be more conflicts one Have you endured like this? My heart couldn't help beating a drum : Are you really getting married? Can I really manage a good marriage with him? Will love become powerless in the besieged city of marriage? Will you be happy after marriage? So many cases of unfortunate marriage, will they also become like that? What should I do if there is a contradiction between my mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, a disagreement between husband and wife, or a weak relationship When I think of these things, my heart is in a mess and I feel anxious.

Miss Tan Suyi answer :

Like Xiaotang, feeling confused and anxious before marriage is a common experience of many newlyweds who are about to step into marriage. People who are deeply involved in pre marital anxiety may have poor appetite, poor sleep, difficulty in focusing, forgetfulness, irritability, despair and compulsion. So why does marriage cause anxiety?

1、 Our times will bring us specific anxiety

Now we have a different understanding and thinking about marriage from the past.

In the past, people chose to enter marriage, which was related to the reproduction and rearing of the next generation, emotional dependence and mutual assistance in life. In the view of the parents, getting married is not only a necessary stage in life, but also a sign of maturity and stability in life, giving people a sense of security and control.

With the development of society, marriage is no longer indispensable or always reassuring, but will lead to more anxiety and fear. As the Internet says : "The original purpose of marriage was to find someone to share weal and woe with. Unexpectedly, most of the hardships in life were brought by the other half."

According to the traditional concept of marriage, women still need to invest more energy in the family, maintain their livelihood outside, and take care of life inside. They will face a fear of losing themselves. After marriage, they will become their family, wife and mother, but only without themselves.

Similarly, for men, their partners and the society are increasingly responsible for their marriage, which is the opposite of the dilemma of real life : "996", migrant workers, housing prices, optimization of large factories …… The impact of young people's survival pressure on love and marriage is real and concrete.

2、 Fear of having a bad experience after entering the marriage

This fear may come from those unpleasant, unhappy and uncomfortable experiences in the parents' marriage relationship.

If your parents have ever staged some unfortunate marriage farces in front of you, your subconscious will establish the idea that marriage is bad and unhappy, and fear that your marriage will also follow your parents' mistakes.

Maybe because you have seen the chicken feathers in your parents' marriage life, you are afraid that you will be trapped in the trivial reality; Maybe because you have experienced the pain caused by your parents' betrayal of marriage, you will also have a strong sense of insecurity and distrust; Maybe you hated the entanglement of two families because you were the interlocutor of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law problems between mother and grandmother …… It is these psychological shadows on marriage that make people flinch from marriage.

3、 Afraid of not being able to handle closer relationships

For example, Xiaotang, the biggest worry and dissatisfaction about marriage in her mind is the way both parties deal with conflicts. The avoidance strategy adopted by her boyfriend makes her feel hurt and angry, and this relationship model often evolves into that one side is more evasive, the other side is more aggressive or passive, and the disappointment and alienation experienced by each other are more and more, and the relationship between the two people will continue to enter a vicious circle.

How to deal with the bumpy relationship between two people often affects each other's confidence in this relationship. At this time, a healthy intimate interaction mode has not been established, and there is not enough intimate relationship management ability, so that lovers dare not rush into marriage.

So is there any way to alleviate fear of marriage and anxiety before marriage?

When we realize that these restless emotions have affected our relationship with each other, we need time and space to seriously explore our anxiety and worries about marriage.

In this process, both parties can more clearly understand the complexity of emotional, financial, interpersonal relationships and other aspects of marriage, so as to improve the ability to deal with problems that may arise in marriage, clarify each other's needs and expectations in marriage, and constantly run in.

We should believe that all our fears will become the driving force for our growth and the confidence to enter into intimate relationships from the moment we take positive actions.

 This article is Guangzhou Heartball Psychological Consultation Center Miss Tan Suyi The original article has been protected. Please indicate its source when reprinting. If it is used without permission, the company reserves the right to investigate according to law.

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