Article: Tan Suyi, chief psychological consultant of Guangzhou Heartball Bar
As a psychological consultant, I have worked on marriage psychology for about 15 years, and I have done pre marital counseling for many newlyweds.
I really hope that no matter unmarried or married sisters, if they have the opportunity to go to the divorce office of the Civil Affairs Bureau, The degree of dog blood in marriage It is far beyond our understanding.
For example, a newly married couple fought all the way into the Civil Affairs Bureau, and the woman cried, "I work like you, why does your mother go home and scold me for not cleaning up?" Less than six months after marriage, her mother-in-law made troubles for her daughter-in-law, which led to her son's divorce;
As the husband always acts as the shopkeeper, unwilling to take care of the children and do housework, the child cries and turns a blind eye. The wife can't bear it. She came to the Civil Affairs Bureau to divorce her husband before the birth of the child;
A couple just got out of the civil affairs bureau after the divorce procedure, and then the man went in with his ex-wife's best friend to go through the marriage registration;
……
These human joys and sorrows are like thunder after marriage.
This Lei, in fact, could have been checked before marriage.
This also gives a warning to the majority of unmarried and married girls: marriage is not a joke. If you are unmarried now, when talking about marriage, you should first carry out a premarital counseling.
First, let's talk about what the premarital consultation is about and how to ensure its smooth implementation.
Pre marital counseling is more like taking precautions to prevent problems Under the guidance of the psychologist profession, the couple discussed a series of topics (such as values, communication mode, sex, money, children, parents, daily life, etc.), and from these discussions, they had a more comprehensive understanding of the upcoming marriage relationship and set reasonable expectations.
Pre marital counseling can be divided into the following directions. You may also try it with your partner.
1、 Marriage Expectations:
Why are you getting married? What roles do you want yourself and your partner to play in marriage? What is the life and relationship model that both parties expect? How do you want to spend an important festival?
2、 Know each other:
What are your personality characteristics, strengths and weaknesses? What shortcomings of the other party can be tolerated, and what shortcomings do you want TA to correct? What is the original family and childhood experience like? What are your beliefs and values?
By understanding these, both husband and wife can Deeply understand each other's original family and how it affects the way of feeling love, giving love and establishing connection with the lover 。 For example, partners from broken families or witnessing parents' separation may fear or doubt the whole marriage system.
In our intimate relationship after adulthood, especially the husband and wife relationship, if we only focus on the interaction and tension between two people when there are contradictions and problems, it may be difficult to carry out deeper awareness and adjustment.
Through psychological counseling, couples learn to be aware of and understand the real needs behind their emotions, and think about how to express these feelings in a more healthy, positive and mature way, so that their partners can understand their needs, which can greatly reduce conflict and improve the partnership.
3、 Couple communication, interaction and conflict handling:
Are you willing to express when you encounter problems? Do you understand the difference in the way they express their problems? How is your communication ability? How would you deal with conflicts/differences in lifestyle? For example, what should I do when one party snores, or when there are some other emotions I can't get the source of? Do you have the right to sleep in separate rooms?
In the same way, in the face of an event or a conflict, what everyone sees may be a part of the truth. Only when they are willing to stand on the other side, they are more likely to understand the whole. This has promoted communication when encountering differences, considered problems more consciously from the perspective of the other party, and reduced internal friction and unnecessary competition in marriage.
4、 About money
1. What is the income of both parties? What is the expected future income?
2. Is there any personal debt and family debt, and if one party has debt, is it shared?
3. Do you want to do premarital property notarization? Do you want to sign a prenuptial property agreement?
4. What about relatives borrowing money?
5. How is family income distributed? Who will manage money? How to reasonably arrange the family's expenditure?
6. How many items worth more need to be negotiated with the other party?
7. What is the concept of consumption and saving? What kind of conflict will happen?
8. If one of the parents or close relatives of the husband and wife has suffered a major economic blow, such as business failure, debt collection and serious illness, what is the upper limit for the small family to spend?
In addition to housing, deposit and money management, do both sides recognize each other's current earning ability? What are your expectations of your partner's earning power? This is very important. If the income after marriage is lower, how to deal with it?
Now many girls have their own houses before marriage, or their earning ability is not low. Since I didn't covet your house/money before marriage, and my working ability is not lower than yours after marriage, I will do something visible for this family “ sacrifice ” Is to have children and raise children.
How do I do this“ sacrifice ”Top to balance? Because many people are used to not relying on you before marriage, but after the birth of a child, because of the imbalance, the sunk cost of this marriage has deepened. How to deal with it? How to “ sacrifice ” Balance with giving?
5、 About sex
How much do you know about sex? Do you understand each other's sexual needs, preferences and fears? How to satisfy each other sexually?
The sex education for girls in this society is really not fair, so we are always in a more passive status and state in this regard. It is difficult to get more balance in this regard.
Sex and money are more important than anything else in marriage. Marriage should be long, money should be delivered, and sex should be spiritually satisfied. Neither of them is necessary. It is not necessarily full score, but at least pass.
6、 About children
1. Do we want children?
2. When do you plan to have children? How many? Is it necessary to give birth to a boy?
3. Will you give birth naturally or by caesarean section?
4. Who pays for the children? Who will be responsible for taking the lead after birth? resignation? Or the sister-in-law, or both parents come to help?
5. How do the two people divide the labor for children's education?
6. If there is conflict in childcare concepts, who should listen to and how to deal with it?
7. If the elders intervene excessively, how can they refuse?
8. If you decide to DINK or don't plan to have children in the short term, can both sides jointly resist parental pressure?
9. If there are two children, can one of them have her surname?
This was a loving couple, but the wife turned against each other because she was unwilling to have children, resulting in divorce;
There are also women who have given birth to children, and their husbands and mother-in-law's families do not care about them. Only then can they see clearly what their husbands and mother-in-law's families are like;
There are also many couples who have great conflicts because of childcare, even parents in law are involved, and the family relationship is in a mess
The above situations are too common in marriage counseling. If we can discuss counseling before marriage, we can find them in time, There is still room for choice, Avoid hidden dangers.
7、 About both parents
1. Can we value and respect each other's parents?
2. Have we considered that our parents may interfere in our relationship?
3. Do you go out alone or live with your parents after marriage?
4. What bothers you most about my family?
5. Are parents easy to get along with and like to interfere in their lives?
6. Can the decisions of small families not be affected by their parents (such as decoration, work, etc.)?
7. What if parents interfere in married life?
8. What should be done and who should be defended when a partner has a dispute with his or her elders?
9. Who will go back to for the Spring Festival? How to arrange it?
10. How much is the annual festival fee given by both parents?
11. How to support both parents when they are old? Ask your aunt or take care of yourself?
12. Who will take care of the parents if they are seriously ill or unable to take care of themselves?
8、 Everyday relationship
1. Who does housework? Who cooks dinner? Who washes the bowl?
2. What habits are tolerable and unacceptable?
3. How to deal with conflicts/differences in living habits?
4. Whom should I listen to when buying a car?
5. What matters can be decided by oneself and discussed together?
6. How far can we give up if we hinder each other's career development?
7. Can I check the other party's mobile phone?
8. How do you spend your time together?
9、 Crisis management
1. Can you tolerate the opposite sex friends?
2. What is the boundary of communication with friends of the opposite sex? Is it acceptable to be alone with the opposite sex at work?
3. How often do you go out to socialize?
4. Go out to drink and eat without taking the other half, and go home before what time in the evening?
5. How to define derailment? How to respond in case of derailment?
6. What will never be given up because of marriage?
7. What bottom line will you break through to give up this marriage?
8. If one party asks for divorce for its own reasons (no love/cheating), how to protect the rights and interests of the other party?
9. What is the worst outcome that you can accept when either spouse needs the other to maintain his or her life due to work failure/health problems and other reasons?
If all the problems can be discussed, I believe that more than 90% of the marital pain can be technically eliminated. The two sides exchanged answers to these questions, as well as their determination for the future.
The most important point is that we have reached agreement on many issues. How to preserve is not a matter of mouth, but a matter of Execution in place 。
For example, if you don't want both parents to participate in the birth of a child, you hope the husband and wife can save a little and ask an aunt for help. At least we should prepare this fund when we get married, and put it into the public account so that we can use the aunt's fund when we need it.
So many of the above problems sound tacky, so many couples have not discussed them before marriage, which is also the reason for the conflict after marriage, and even the final divorce.
The significance of premarital counseling lies in:
There will be many known and unknown difficulties in marriage. How can we face them side by side?
When each other's shortcomings are exposed, how can we tolerate each other and seek common ground while reserving differences?
If you are going to get married, you might as well discuss the above issues with your partner, seek professional psychological counseling before marriage, and make adequate preparations for future marriage.
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Related reading:
I don't regret breaking up before marriage
Emotional counseling: if you don't realize this, intimacy is dangerous
Pre marital psychological consultation: my parents' marriage has become my pre marital fear
Premarital psychology: marital change, infidelity, divorce emerge in endlessly, remember to take a preventive shot before marriage!
Anxiety before marriage: when the wedding is approaching, I will withdraw
What benefits can premarital counseling bring to your marriage?
