Zheng Qijuan's case: Our marriage is on the verge of divorce because of her mother-in-law

　　 Experts in this issue: Zheng Qijuan, Deputy Director of Guangzhou Heartball Psychological Counseling Center, Senior Marriage Counselor

Yuanyuan, 28, looks beautiful and capable, but now she is on the verge of divorce. The husband has moved to his parents' house for three months. The day before yesterday, she had an appointment with the divorce lawyer. After returning home, Yuanyuan pondered bitterly for a day and a night. Is she really going to divorce? She anxiously found the Heartball Psychological Consultation Center and made an appointment for marriage psychological consultation, hoping to save the marriage.

Speaking of her husband and mother-in-law, Yuanyuan expressed indignation. She said that her mother-in-law has influenced her relationship with her husband since she fell in love. Since the relationship was established, the couple began to live together, and the mother-in-law would often come to visit her son. Considering the conservative concept of the elderly, the husband would ask Yuanyuan to go home when her mother-in-law came. Yuanyuan felt that as soon as her mother-in-law appeared, she would be driven away. After marriage, the husband bought another apartment in the community, and the in laws came to live occasionally. After giving birth, my parents in law stayed in Guangzhou to help with the children. Yuanyuan was particularly disgusted to see that her mother-in-law took her husband as a child and cared about him very much. Sometimes she taught Yuanyuan to do this when cooking. He liked to eat; He likes to tidy up his home like this...

She felt that her husband was particularly filial and caring for her mother. For example, when he found a good restaurant, he wanted to take his parents to have a taste of it. After a hard holiday, he wanted to take his parents to a scenic spot. What she thought of as a world of two people went up in smoke. She was very rebellious and unwilling to travel together. Even if she went, she would still be stiff faced.

After Yuanyuan gave birth to her son, her mother-in-law also regarded her grandson as her favorite. She rushed to do everything and took good care of him. Even when he sneezed, his grandson was nervous. Yuanyuan felt that as a mother, she had nothing to do. In order to let her mother-in-law contact the children less, she will try her best to take care of the children, go home as soon as possible after work, and put off overtime work and friend gatherings. Therefore, the unit leaders had a lot of opinions about Yuanyuan, and the colleagues did not understand whether Yuanyuan was making excuses to work less. My friends will also persuade me that it's really good to have such a mother-in-law. But she felt very tired and in a bad mood. No one understood her inner pain.

Her mother-in-law is a minefield in Yuanyuan's mind. She feels upset, aggrieved and angry when she sees her mother-in-law. When Yuanyuan was at home, if her husband took her son to her mother-in-law's house, she would be unhappy, and the couple would quarrel about it. She once told her husband that the idea of the elderly is different from that of taking care of their children. In order to avoid conflict, she hopes to hire a nanny so that her in laws can return to their hometown to enjoy their old age. The husband did not understand and was angry. He felt that his mother had done well enough. Why was she still rejected by his wife. For this reason, the couple either quarreled or had a cold war. Every time after the quarrel, Yuanyuan felt very hurt and weak. She thought that as long as her mother-in-law was still here, her husband would quarrel with her, and her marriage would not be happy.

On the surface, there is no major conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, and there is no conflict that cannot be resolved. But her mother-in-law can cause Yuanyuan's huge emotional fluctuations, which must have deep reasons. Through communication, we learned that Yuanyuan had an eccentric mother since she was young, who loved her brother very much and took care of him meticulously. After his brother got married, his parents also lived with him to help him take care of his family. As long as my brother is happy, my mother is satisfied. Mother's reason is that when her brother was born, she was seriously ill and could not take good care of him. She did not give him enough nutrition, so she always worried that his brother was weak and ill. She needs to worry more. To be fair, although her mother was biased, Yuanyuan felt that her mother also cared about herself. Mother praises everyone, and daughter is smart and capable. When she got married, her mother was very sad, and now she often calls to talk with herself for a long time. Mother often said that her daughter was the most caring person who cared about her most.

Mother is very good to her brother. What impact did she have on Yuanyuan when she was a child? In order to further explore, while doing marriage and family counseling, Yuanyuan and I did a hypnosis to let her go back to childhood: Yuanyuan saw that once her brother came home from school and was caught in the rain, and her mother was very distressed to wipe the water on his face, change his clothes, and boil ginger tea for him. In fact, Yuanyuan also fell in the rain and broke her knee. She was left to dry. When her mother took good care of her brother, she remembered to scrub her wounds. During hypnosis, Yuanyuan felt very aggrieved, sad and angry. It was her mother's time to take care of herself and herself, but her brother occupied it. The mother's partiality made Yuanyuan feel that her love was taken away. At that moment, Yuanyuan felt very painful, weak and numb. I asked her: "Is there any similarity between your feeling and that of being in the triangle relationship with your mother-in-law and husband?" Yuanyuan nodded, saying that the feeling was almost the same.

Yuanyuan in her childhood has many unresolved emotional problems. Mother's partiality makes her feel insecure about love and very afraid of losing love. In order to please her mother, she became a good child. Her dissatisfaction with her mother and jealousy of her brother were suppressed into the subconscious. When she came of age, she encountered the scene that her mother-in-law preferred her husband and her grandson. She was "driven away", and her time with children was occupied by her mother-in-law, just like the intimate mode inherent in her subconscious. Her many intense emotions poured out like a tide.

When Yuanyuan understood the connection between childhood and the present, she was immediately relieved. Yuanyuan told me that she was much more relaxed.

Next, we need to deal with Yuanyuan's childhood complex. I used the "empty chair technology" to guide Yuanyuan to imagine her mother sitting in front of her and vent her pent up anger and dissatisfaction with her mother. At that time, Yuanyuan cried bitterly.

When the emotions are fully released, Yuanyuan will use the method of "empathy" to let her feel her mother's heart. She felt what she had never thought of: her mother had always felt guilty and worried about her son. It turned out that her mother had lost the care of her close relatives when she was a child, and she almost couldn't live through it once, and some patients fell from her body. This was her great regret, and also her heart knot. Therefore, while compensating her son, she is also compensating herself. It seems that mother prefers her son, but in fact, mother repairs her psychological trauma by doting on her son.

In the following consultation, I guided Yuanyuan to think that her mother took a little less care of herself, except for causing emotional distress, whether she had any other effect on her growth. Yuanyuan said that she believed that she could exercise herself stronger than her brother, so she was independent, brave in everything, and highly recognized for her ability to work. At present, she confidently believes that if the marriage is over, there will be no difficulties that cannot be solved in the future.

In her relationship with her mother-in-law, she did not have so much anger and criticism in her heart. She began to see her mother-in-law's kindness to herself and the family, and she was no longer so repulsive and antipathetic to her mother-in-law. She also began to understand her husband's pain between two women in the past. As soon as people become calm and happy without anger, their mental outlook will also change. Yuanyuan starts to become optimistic and cheerful, and she can also talk about or communicate with her mother-in-law with a pleasant face and appropriate boundaries.

Every time she came to consult, Yuanyuan's spirit was better and better. She kept telling me good news. Her mood improved. She became less disgusted with her mother-in-law. She began to work overtime with confidence. The husband found an excuse to move home, and no longer asked for divorce.

　　 Recommended reading for marriage counseling:《 The relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is not good. The husband always defends his mother-in-law. What should I do? 》