Companion magazine: How to deal with anxious attachment in love

Media: Companion magazine two hundred and two three year five Monthly total five twenty-eight stage P thirty-six Marriage Consulting Room

Experts in this issue: Tan Suyi, psychologist of Guangzhou Heartball Psychological Consultation Center, national second-class psychologist ， Guangdong Women's Federation "Rights Protection Service Station" psychological consultant.

Cixi Consultation :

I am skilled in both work and life, but one Love will become very clingy and sensitive full of anxiety I am always afraid of being rejected or abandoned by my boyfriend, and I am especially insecure. I always want to confirm my position in my boyfriend's heart, and repeatedly ask him if he loves me. If he hesitates or shows impatience, then I will feel particularly lost and desperate, and will be indifferent to avoid or collapse. So in my boyfriend's eyes, I am one An unpredictable and unpredictable person. I am also very upset. What should I do?

Answer by Tan Suyi :

According to Cici's description, the reason why she has these performances in the intimate relationship may be that she has "Anxious attachment" style. Here, we should first understand what attachment is. Psychologist Bobby, who put forward the attachment theory, believes that attachment is an individual seeking a sense of security by approaching a stronger and wiser person.

In the early days of our lives, the stronger and wiser others are the parents or the main caregivers, who act as The role of "safe harbor" is the source of our initial sense of security. The way they interact with their children, whether they can give them enough sense of security, determines what attachment style children will form in their early years, and this attachment style will continue to the children's intimate relationship with others after adulthood.

If this The "safe harbor" is reliable and stable, and can respond to children in a timely manner, so children also dare to explore outside, thus gradually completing the separation from their parents, forming a safe attachment style.

On the contrary, if this The "safe harbor" is always unstable, and sometimes there is no response to children's needs. So for children, although they have concern, love and interest in their parents, they feel that any good things will disappear at any time, so children will be trapped in contradictions and fears between repeated gains and losses. This is the formation of anxious attachment style.

If parents or main caregivers keep alienated from their children for a long time, their children will not be able to get a sense of security, then children who feel helpless will usually choose to enter their own world to protect themselves, feeling that tenderness, intimacy and emotional involvement are dangerous, so they will become extremely alienated and indifferent when dealing with others, forming an avoidant attachment style.

The influence of early attachment style on adult intimacy is mainly reflected in : The sense of distance and the way to express intimacy in a relationship, the way to deal with conflict, whether to express needs and desires, and the expectations of partners and intimate relationships These four aspects.

When growing up, the performance of anxious attachment style people in intimate relationships includes :

1. High requirements and expectations for intimacy

Anxious attachment people have a high demand for intimacy. After confirming the love relationship with the other party, they are always the one who promotes the rhythm and also hope that the other party can keep pace with themselves.

Stickiness is the evaluation that most people give to their anxious attachment style partners. They often send messages and make phone calls to the other half, and want to know the whereabouts of the other half.

High frequency interaction may make the other half feel bored and controlled, but there is a deep fear behind these behaviors. They are afraid of being abandoned and are not sure whether their partner is "Always present", so we need to repeatedly confirm that we hope our partner can actively and frequently express love and feelings to us.

2. High sensitivity

Feeling that they are accepted and loved is the part that anxious attachment people ask for and attach great importance to in intimate relationships, so they will be very sensitive.

A little dislike, a little urgency, or a little neglect, or a lack of timely response, are all like huge threats to them, and even take them as a signal that the relationship is about to end, thus triggering their strong negative emotions.

3. Fear of rejection and low self-esteem

Fear of rejection and abandonment is a constant fear in the heart of anxious attachment people. This fear comes from the uncertainty they felt when they were young. They can't be sure that they are always loved and accepted, so they think they are at risk of being abandoned at any time, and the satisfaction of their needs may also be rejected.

Therefore, in intimate relationships, anxious attachment people will make some efforts to try to prevent the occurrence of this situation. It may be that they wronged themselves to retain the other party, or unconditionally meet the needs of others ……

Anxious attachment people sometimes The result of "being abandoned" comes down to "I am not good enough", but I give high praise to my partner; They will also constantly doubt the sincerity of their partner and criticize their partner's behavior. Resentment is that the other party makes them suffer from the fear of gain and loss, thus "verifying" the "prediction" that no one really loves them.

They are always easy to lose their reason when they enter into intimate relationships, thus making themselves collapse and suffocating their partners.

So, how can people with anxious attachment style break the situation?

The answer is that you need to learn to face fear, think about your own experience and how your attachment to your parents is, and learn to treat your lover as an independent individual ……

Of course, there will be difficulties in the process of sorting out and adjusting yourself. If you can rebuild a safe attachment style with professional company, develop the ability to love yourself and love others, I believe they will usher in a new and healthy intimate relationship.

 This article is the center Miss Tan Suyi Please indicate the source of the original article when it is reproduced. If it is used without permission, the company reserves the right to investigate according to law.

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