Companion magazine: How can I love more calmly when I feel inferior

Media: Companion magazine two hundred and two three year five Monthly total five twenty-eight stage P twenty-two Marriage Consulting Room

Experts in this issue: Xu Wenjiao, psychologist of Guangzhou Heartball Psychological Consultation Center, national second-class psychologist ， Sandplay consultant.

Xiaolei Consulting :

I 29 years old, no boyfriend yet. On the one hand, I think I should fall in love, but on the other hand, I am afraid of entering into intimate relationships. Although my condition is not bad, I always feel that I am not good enough. Every time I fall in love, if the other party's conditions are better than mine, I will feel that he may abandon me at any time to find a better girlfriend. I can only try to make myself better and perform better.

When I get along with each other, I can't relax at all. I ponder over my response and performance in my heart. I often feel that my performance is not good enough. I'm afraid that the other party will find my shortcomings and dislike me.

Therefore, I often feel inferior, regretful, worried, and worried about gains and losses. Each of my relationships didn't last long. I felt that it was over before I entered the stage. Although I always act smart and rational when breaking up, I feel frustrated and frustrated in my heart. I think it must be because I am not good enough that the other party broke up with me. What should I do?

Miss Xu Wenjiao answer :

Intimacy is a mirror. You think you are getting along with others. In fact, you are more worthy of study in the intimate relationship.

Xiaolei's inferiority complex in love seems to be a problem in her relationship with her partner, but in fact it is more a problem in her relationship with herself.

Some women suffer from The "imposter syndrome", especially some specific high achievement women, always feel that they are not good enough for each other. In the heart of their hearts, there is a voice saying: "What you see now is a fake, I am not so good." They think that after a long time with their partners, they will leave when they find their own problems or meet better people ……

Maybe in the eyes of outsiders, they are very excellent, but they feel that they are not good enough. There is a common and strong self false instantaneous experience in their hearts. Sometimes they make some small mistakes, and they will repeatedly blame themselves, even deeply hate themselves; Even if you are praised by others, you feel that it is just your own image, not the real one. If others do not see your real self, you are not so good. No matter how much applause they won, they all believed that they were not good enough and needed to work harder and better.

In their relationship with their partners, they also feel deeply that they don't "Qualified". However, their inner "qualified" standard is either too high to achieve or difficult to continue to achieve. When they fail to meet the "qualified" standard, they will have self doubt.

Because I feel deeply about myself "Unqualified". In love, some people will escape, shrink back, dare not pursue high-quality partners, and are also prone to unconsciously make some destructive actions in the originally good intimate relationship. For example, inexplicable alienation, distance; Excessive consideration of gains and losses, questioning the stability of the relationship; Strong anxiety and uneasiness, distrust of each other; Even think "I am so bad, he still likes me so much, he must not be very good", and then stare at each other's shortcomings, belittle each other

Others feel deeply that they don't "Qualified" means that under the promotion of humility and fear, we will redouble our efforts to become better and more strict with ourselves. We cannot forgive our "mistakes" and will not allow ourselves to perform poorly. In the face of frustration and dissatisfaction, people tend to fall into depression, depression and anxiety, unable to accept and like themselves, and thus fall into more serious self doubt. They often attribute the reason to "I'm not good enough", ignoring the real reason, unable to accommodate the conflict and negative emotions in intimate relationships in a positive enough state, and easily choose to retreat or please, Instead of solving problems, managing and repairing relationships.

cause There are many factors of "impostor syndrome", such as narcissism damaged in the process of growing up, inappropriate incentive methods of parents, overemphasizing competition in the growing environment, and patriarchal preference of family members. All these will lead to our incomplete understanding of ourselves, inability to accept our true self, and shame on our own shortcomings and negative emotions. The solution lies in —— Learn to accept yourself. When we really start to accept ourselves, truly believe When "I'm good enough", these feelings will disappear.

 This article is the center Miss Xu Wenjiao Please indicate the source of the original article when it is reproduced. If it is used without permission, the company reserves the right to investigate according to law.

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