Media: Companion magazine two hundred and two three year eleven Monthly total five thirty-four stage P thirty-six Marriage Consulting Room
Experts in this issue: Tan Suyi, psychologist of Guangzhou Heartball Psychological Consultation Center, national second-class psychologist ， Guangdong Women's Federation "Rights Protection Service Station" psychological consultant.
Weiwei Consulting :
My boyfriend is a doctor. His work is often under high pressure. He needs to deal with various medical matters every day, which makes him very upset. I was in love for the first time and lacked experience, so I often learned some love skills online. It is said on the Internet that a good intimate relationship is one in which a partner can provide emotional value and catch the other's negative emotions.
I learned to provide emotional value, comfort and accompany him, and listen to his troubles. I try my best to contain him, but my own life is also a mess. I want to talk to him, but I'm afraid it will increase his pressure.
Although I tried to be patient, my boyfriend's anxiety and insomnia continued. As time passed, I didn't dare to share my joy with him. They even feel guilty when they are happy, feel that they should not be happy, and feel remorse for their inability to help their boyfriend, and do not know what to do.
Our relationship is no longer easy and comfortable, but full of negative emotions and internal friction. I don't want to make love so tiring. What should I do?
Miss Tan Suyi answer ：
When close people are in emotional distress, we naturally want to help each other and become their support. But the premise is that we should take good care of ourselves first. In any relationship, "I" should not be the victim of "we".
A balanced relationship that can provide emotional value should be between two parties "Balance of power", interaction can catch each other's negative emotions, rather than always one party to provide, the other party to take. In the long run, relying on one person to lift the emotions of two people will only consume the energy of one party continuously, which will become the imbalance of the relationship.
In addition, emotions are contagious. Because we are close to each other, we are naturally easily affected by each other's negative emotions. It is understandable that we should do something to make our partner better. However, if Wei Wei feels guilty about her positive emotions, it is actually a vague state of indistinct boundaries with her partner. She fuses her partner with her own emotions. Because her partner is unhappy, she is not entitled to be happy. In intimate relationships, it is important to draw boundaries for emotions. Although it is an intimate relationship, everyone is an independent individual, with different joys and sorrows. We can share our emotions with our partners and express empathy, understanding and support for them, but no one has the obligation to solve their emotional problems.
Most of the time, our partner's negative emotions are not directed at us. He just needs to have a safe space to put his emotions in a reasonable way. We just need to give enough trust and companionship. On the contrary, thinking that you are responsible for your partner's negative emotions may make your partner feel distrusted : Because I can't be responsible for my own emotions and can't digest my own emotions, I need help from the other party.
At the same time, Weiwei needs to explore whether there is any expectation that she will be useful to her partner behind your self blame The idea of "whether it is useful" and "whether your partner loves me"; Whether there is a high requirement to be the perfect partner.
These potential expectations and thoughts may make you feel powerless and depressed when you see your partner fails to become better, and feel that you have failed and incompetent. In the process of self doubt and negation, the pressure of getting along with each other is increased, and it is more and more far away from the relaxed and comfortable love experience you want.
If Weiwei clearly understands the deep reasons of her inner state when facing her partner's negative emotions, sets up a well-defined emotional boundary, and lets go of her high expectations of herself, she will be able to get along with her partner in a more relaxed, healthy, less burdened, and less consuming manner.
This article is the center Miss Tan Suyi The original article has been protected. Please indicate its source when reprinting. If it is used without permission, the company reserves the right to investigate according to law.
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