Companion magazine: Why are you taking good care of her, but your relationship is getting more and more distant

Media: Companion magazine two hundred and two three year twelve Monthly total five thirty-five stage P forty-six Marriage Consulting Room

Experts in this issue: Xu Wenjiao, psychologist of Guangzhou Heartball Psychological Consultation Center, national second-class psychologist ， Sandplay consultant.

Mr. Cai Consultation :

I'm in love with my wife 1 year, married for 2 years. wife son She was eight years younger than me. During our love, she was very dependent on me, and I took great care of my wife. In the eyes of others, we are a very loving couple.

But since the marriage, my wife has become somewhat indifferent and doesn't care about my feelings. If at home, my wife is still willing to stick to me. But once I leave home, it's hard for me to hear from my wife. Every time I contact her, she never tells me where she has gone ... I have talked with my wife for many times. If she has any activities, she should tell me in advance, otherwise I will be worried. The wife promised well, but she still went her own way, sometimes even hid from me.

Once when I was out on a business trip, I went out for a walk at night. The scenery around me was beautiful. I thought it would be better if my wife were around ， So he dialed up the video and gave it to her. However, no one answered after several calls. At that time, I was worried about whether something would happen to my wife. When I finally got through, I only heard that the phone was messy and noisy, and my wife was excited to ask me loudly "What's up?" She was having a party with her friends in the bar!

I was angry that my wife went to a bar party without telling me in advance. But the wife is hard to understand. She says that when she loves someone, she must let the other person be free. She doesn't like being always controlled. My wife often gets together with friends outside. I know my wife won't betray me, but I'm afraid she's not safe outside. My wife used to think that I cared about her because her family were estranged from each other, but now she is very angry and feels that I am interference And control her.

Later, my wife apologized to me, saying that she knew I was doing her good. But I feel that our relationship between husband and wife has become no They are so close and connected. Is it true that the more you pay, the less you will be treasured?

Miss Xu Wenjiao answer:

In Mr. Cai's opinion, to love someone is a responsibility, to be good to each other wholeheartedly, to integrate with each other, you know what my heart thinks, and I know what your heart loves. Mr. Cai's wife grew up in a family atmosphere with distant relationships and little attention. Her heart desires intimacy and attachment. Mr. Cai happens to be a person who likes to be highly attached to his partner. In the early stage of their intimate relationship, both parties enjoy this integration and are very comfortable with each other "Caregivers —— Caretakers ”The interactive mode of.

But a perfect carer is considerate, dedicated, worried, integrated, controlled and manipulated. When his wife didn't take the initiative to report his whereabouts, behind Mr. Cai's anger, we saw the rules in his mind, one by one "Should", there are many, many fears and anxieties. If the wife does not follow these rules or "should", his fear will be activated, and he will feel out of control, alienated, and less love, so he will want to integrate and be considerate.

The cared for person constantly compromises out of dependence and guilt. But as time goes by, the cared for people feel that they are bound, and their self space in the relationship is getting smaller and smaller. They are more and more squeezed and swallowed up, just like the carefully captive birds. Only when they stay in the cage, sing happy songs, and intimate with the keepers, can they be expected.

However, Mr. Cai's wife has a certain self-awareness. The care given by Mr. Cai made her enjoy it at first, and she is willing to give up some of her self to integrate into Mr. Cai's self. But over a long period of time, Mr. Cai's wife has been losing herself in this relationship, even feeling that she is about to be swallowed up. She has taken part of herself away from her husband's dependence and needs, turned to the outside world, and gathered with friends. Without reporting, she acted first and reported later. Knowing that her husband would be angry, she also needs to create some private space.

And her little "Rebellion" is often regarded as selfish, self willed and indifferent to the feelings of the other party. A moment of guilt will make her apologize and make her want to repent. But what did she really do wrong? At the same time, she will also feel the unspeakable "wrong", and will be confused "I am not wrong, but why is it always me that is wrong in the intimate relationship".

Therefore, whether in partnership or parent-child relationship, if a person corresponds to The "perfect carer" (the perfect mother), another person's ultimate counterpart is the "wayward and selfish child". One desires a high degree of integration, and the other relies and desires a moderate separation, which will lead to mutual dissatisfaction and a situation of you chasing me away.

 This article is the center Miss Xu Wenjiao The original article has been protected. Please indicate its source when reprinting. If it is used without permission, the company reserves the right to investigate according to law.

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