Companion magazine: I really care about my boyfriend's ex girlfriends. What should I do

Media: Companion magazine two hundred and two three year seven Monthly total five thirty stage P forty-eight Marriage Consulting Room

Experts in this issue: Xu Wenjiao, psychologist of Guangzhou Heartball Psychological Consultation Center, national second-class psychologist ， Sandplay consultant.

Qingqing Consultation :

I really mind my boyfriend's first few relationships. I am in love for the first time, and my boyfriend has been in love for several times. When I first got together, I didn't realize that this problem would affect me. Later, when we went out to play with some close friends, we talked about related topics at the night talk. The boyfriend said that he learned a lot from an ex girlfriend. They were together In the past five years, there were good times and bad times. Finally, he saw the truth that the two were not suitable, but he was glad to have such a relationship, which made him grow a lot. His words touched me a lot. I never knew that he would still think so.

Since then, I am easily jealous. Every time my boyfriend makes those intimate actions, I no longer feel warm as before, but will associate these behavior habits with his ex girlfriend, and then say a weird word, which makes him helpless. Sometimes I would secretly check his mobile phone to see if he had any contact with his ex girlfriend, or even force him to throw away the old things. Even if he explained that they had nothing to do with his ex girlfriend, I would not believe them.

At first, he would coax me, but gradually he felt very tired and unreasonable. I also feel very tired. I don't want to hold on to the past, but I can't help thinking about things between my boyfriend and his ex girlfriend ……

Miss Xu Wenjiao answer :

Having unpleasant thoughts and emotions about your partner's past love history is a kind of "Retrospective jealousy". However, being extremely anxious about the existence of a partner's predecessor and always thinking uncontrollably about things about a partner and his predecessor is called "compulsive retrospective jealousy".

This type of jealous person is often out of his control, always has a strong jealousy of his partner's past, and often shows related pictures in his brain. They will always cause intense jealousy and anxiety because of their partner's past. They will repeatedly ask about their partner's past, and repeatedly ask their partner to ensure that they love themselves best. Even if they are temporarily pacified by their partner, they will soon fall into a new round of anxiety and jealousy. In such a vicious circle, your partner is very tired, and you are also very tired.

People who are trapped in retroactive jealousy have deep puritanism about their emotions and tend to have an idealized attitude towards love. In terms of love values, it is best for a person to love only one person in his life. "It's better for him to know that the person he is looking for is me when he was born. Before he met me, he did not fall in love. If a person has a soul, he hopes that he will only love me and wait for me in every life." If a partner has loved other people, they will have a feeling that something that should be mine has been "acquired" or "tarnished" by a third party.

Others, although they can understand that one person can fall in love with more than one person in his life in terms of love values, hope that he is the most unforgettable, sweet and favorite one in all the feelings of the other person. They keep trying to prove it "Most", only when you get the assurance from your partner, can you feel that you are the most important in your partner's heart. Once the partner does not make corresponding guarantee or behavior, their anxiety and jealousy will appear.

In addition, some people's excessive jealousy of their partners' predecessors may be a form of self depreciation. They usually think they are not good enough, have a lot of dissatisfaction with themselves, and cannot establish a positive self-evaluation The feeling of "unworthiness". They feel that their partner is happier with their ex, and the ex leaves more marks in their partner's heart deep , thinking that they are not good enough and attractive enough. They like to take their own and The "imaginary enemy" makes a comparison, and through this comparison and the comfort of his partner, he can confirm his position in his partner's heart.

Of course, from a deeper level, repeatedly tormenting yourself and your partner with your partner's predecessor is not only destroying your current feelings intentionally or unintentionally, but also making some changes in your existing relationship with your partner; It also contains the element of sadism, which punishes your partner again and again with past and unchangeable things. This may be because in your intimate relationship, there are still deeper problems that have not been solved.

 This article is the center Miss Xu Wenjiao Please indicate the source of the original article when it is reproduced. If it is used without permission, the company reserves the right to investigate according to law.

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