Companion magazine: How to learn to love someone who has never been loved since childhood

Media: Companion magazine two hundred and two three year eight Monthly total five thirty-one stage P twenty-six Marriage Consulting Room

Experts in this issue: Xu Wenjiao, psychologist of Guangzhou Heartball Psychological Consultation Center, national second-class psychologist ， Sandplay consultant.

Xiaofeng Consulting :

I lived at my aunt's house since I was young, and followed my cousins one When I grew up, I lived at my grandmother's house in junior high school and my aunt's house in senior high school. Later, I went to college and lived alone. Therefore, I have never experienced the intimate time with my parents since I was young, and the most impressive image of my parents in my memory is that they hold the size package When I left, I could only stand under the eaves of other people's houses and watch them go away silently. I could do nothing.

Every time after school or holiday, my classmates go home happily, but I don't know where my home is. None of my aunt's home, grandma's home, or my aunt's home is my home. Since I was young, I have felt like a duckweed. It has no roots and will float wherever the wind blows.

Maybe because of the lack of love since childhood, now that I am in love, I also feel that I cannot love. I feel inferior, insecure and unable to trust my lover. In love, I always worry about gains and losses, relying on each other and trying to control each other. I always look forward to getting the other party's love and attention, sometimes like a vexatious child who needs the other party's timely response. I always want the other party to coax me and spoil me. If the other party fails to do so, I will blame the other party for not loving me enough. Even if the other party just goes out to eat and chat with friends, I will think more. Reason told me that these were just his normal social interactions, but my emotions were repeated, anxious, and I couldn't help losing my temper with him.

In fact, I also want to love someone well, instead of falling into a state of emotional breakdown and being unable to control myself, and making the other party pay attention to myself all the time. I also want to be confident and generous to give my partner a good experience, but I don't know how to do it ……

Miss Xu Wenjiao answer :

As a person who has never been loved since childhood and experienced emotional neglect in childhood, Xiao Feng can realize that it is difficult for him to trust and hold others emotionally in his intimate relationship, which is invaluable and a prerequisite for change.

Due to the lack of emotional connection with his parents when he was a child, he did not receive enough care and response emotionally, and he was dependent on others to move around in the homes of multiple caregivers. Deep down in his heart, Xiao Feng lost the emotional foundation to connect with his parents, others and the world, so he often felt like a duckweed, rootless, unstable, and prone to depression, sadness Anxiety or the nihility of life.

Moreover, because she didn't have much emotional support since childhood, Xiao Feng may not have learned how to handle and hold negative emotions. When facing difficulties or pain, I don't know how to comfort myself, but turn these negative feelings into self blame, depression, despair, and lack of self-confidence ... These negative feelings are internalized indiscriminately, which makes them fall into the vortex of negative thinking.

They are also often unable to sympathize with themselves, forgive and let go of themselves. They are very critical of themselves, often angry with themselves and hate themselves. Sometimes, they also hold on to their partners, hoping that they can understand and comfort them, and rely on each other to adjust their emotions. In addition to their deep concern, they feel that they have fatal defects (If people really know me, they will not like me), which leads them to form an avoidant attachment personality. When they encounter some contradictions and disappointments in the intimate relationship, they are easy to give up the intimate relationship and withdraw to their own world.

So, how can people who have suffered from emotional neglect establish stable and loving links with others? The first thing to do is "Don't run away", admit that you have been ignored, and admit that your vulnerability, sensitivity, sadness and sadness are related to the past. Secondly, take care of yourself, treat yourself well, do not vent your anger, and do not treat yourself too harshly. Only a person who has enough sympathy for himself can have empathy for others.

In addition, people who ignore emotions sometimes repress themselves, and sometimes they are easily irritated, evasive or confrontational. This interpersonal model is very harmful to close relationships. It is suggested that Xiao Feng talk with his lover heart to heart, analyze the relationship in a safe atmosphere, return to the early growth, experience the rich emotions that have been suppressed, and bravely express their demands, Learn to trust your lover and tolerate your negative emotions.

 This article is the center Miss Xu Wenjiao Please indicate the source of the original article when it is reproduced. If it is used without permission, the company reserves the right to investigate according to law.

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